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Breakfast In Short Order

If your wife is out there all the week bringing home the bacon, it is crucial that you, the Homedaddy, seize the frequent opportunities to remind her that she is a goddess worthy of great rewards. Here at Homedaddy¾ Research Labs we have achieved excellent results with a process called Cooking Saturday Breakfast and Tending the Baby while Mommy sleeps in.

Cooking, like many other household tasks, becomes a brand new adventure when attempted with a baby in the crook of your arm. It's tough enough just to cook one-handed, but even worse when your baby gets fussy and does her impression of the Heisman Trophy, planting a wicked stiff-arm to your Adam's apple while driving hard with her legs.

Of course, these and other skills are covered in my exclusive Homedaddy¾ series of lectures, seminars, videos, audiocassettes, and encounter weekends, As a special courtesy this week, I present, gratis, the Homedaddy¾ Technique for Saturday Morning Gourmet Omelet with Homefried Potatoes.

Ingredients and supplies:

6 eggs
1 pinch dried herbs
2 small onions
1 tomato
1 handful grated smoked Gouda cheese
1 roasted red pepper
1 fresh jalapeno pepper
1 large potato
1 omelet pan
1 cast iron skillet
1 baby
1 highchair
1 roll aliminum foil
1 clean diaper
1 clean pair plastic pants
1 nursery rhyme video
2 rag dolls
1 teddy bear
1 jar baby food


Hold the baby in your left arm, keeping your hip cocked at a 45 degree angle to help support the weight. With your free hand, wash the potato. Poke holes in the skin with a fork ð the potato, not the baby. Wrap the baby securely in aluminum foil to protect from radiation and microwave the spud on high power for 5 minutes. Those of you in a twelve-step program may use Higher power. Remove cooked potato from microwave and set aside. Remove foil from baby. Place baby in highchair and slowly add the first rag doll until calm.

Pre-heat omelet pan over high heat. Chop the onion, tomato, roasted pepper, and jalapeno and set aside. Crack 3 eggs into a bowl and beat with a whisk. When baby cries from the onion fumes, remove her from highchair and run out onto the porch. When baby is calm, hand her to your next-door neighbor, run back into the smoke-filled house, kill the burner under the pan, yank the battery out of the smoke alarm, and crawl back outside. Argue politics with neighbor until smoke clears from house. Return with baby on hip.

When omelet pan is no longer glowing red, use your free hand to sautee the jalepeno pepper and half of the chopped onions in butter till soft. Remove and set aside.

Place baby on living room floor in front of TV set and start nursery rhyme video. Run back to kitchen and preheat cast iron skillet. Running back to living room, remove baby from back of TV set where she is chewing on cables. Introduce the second rag doll, using a high-pitched "silly voice" and a pathetic ventriloquism technique which could only fool a baby. Run back to kitchen.

Slice the cooked potato into small cubes. Drop some butter into the skillet and add the potato and the rest of the onions. Fry over high heat until baby starts to cry in the other room.

Run into living room, knocking over a small bookshelf. Check baby's diaper, run back to the kitchen, reduce heat under the spuds, and then change the diaper. Set baby down on living room floor with teddy bear. Rewind nursery rhyme video and start again. Run back into kitchen.

Preheat omelet pan, add butter, and pour in the eggs. Cook over medium heat until, out of the corner of your eye, you see a planter containing a small ficas tree falling in the next room. Dive headfirst into the room and catch the planter an inch or two from the ground. Pick up baby and return to kitchen. Place baby once again in the highchair. Open the jar of baby food and attempt to feed until baby offers minor resistance. Continue to offer the spoon until she swats it out of your hand. Kneel in front of highchair and when you have her attention, perform a demonstration by feeding yourself a couple of spoonfulls.

When you suddenly remember what you're supposed to be doing, spin around and remove omelet pan from the heat. Scrape the carboniferous eggs out of the pan with a screwdriver and feed to the dog. Put baby in stroller and walk to a supermarket and buy a cheap fry pan. Return home and start over.

Or scrap the whole project, wait for your ever lovin' to wake up, and take the family out for a nice brunch.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.