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Guide To Mothers Day

Mothers Day is the true test of the Homedaddy's mettle, the day when you must step back into the shadows, self-confident in your own abilities and achievements, while the spotlight shines on another. And while you're sulking and muttering in the shadows, don't forget to procure a modest (elaborate, by male standards) selection of gifts and flowers.

Flowers are absolutely essential to a successful Mothers Day. Most men are stumped at this level since they don't know the first thing about flowers, but you must not let this minor detail stop you. Like so many other personal choices and moral dilemmas you may face in life, the answer here is to take the high road and throw some money at the problem. Let's say you don't know a gladiolus from the American Gladiators. All you need to do is get on down to the florist, plunk down a wad of cash big enough to clog a wood chipper, and ask them to suggest a nice Mothers Day arrangement. They will not let you down. Not only will the bouquet be beautiful, but your mate will also know that they were not cheap. Don't ask me how this works; it just does. Expensive flowers say "You're the Greatest," while cheap flowers say "Well, you get the basic idea."

Another key element is food. Any successful orchestration of Mothers Day festivities requires a huge brunch with copious amounts of mimosas, a drink whose name derives from a Polynesian word meaning "let's get loaded before noon." The skilled Homedaddy must be expert at making one of two things: omelets or reservations. Bear in mind that Mothers Day is traditionally the busiest brunch day of the year, so you will need to make reservations a couple of years in advance unless you're going to order the Grand Slam¾ breakfast, in which case you might as well go with the cheap flowers.

It is always better to prepare the brunch at home, but if you do cook it yourself, it is a good idea to have at least one of your child's grandparents visiting so that they can play with Junior while you rattle the pots and pans and the honoree sleeps in.

You must also dress the baby up in some really special outfit in order to play this festivity thing to the hilt. Choose one of the very fancy party suits you received as a gift but which your baby never wears because they are so impractical for normal baby activities like throwing oatmeal. I selected a dainty pink frilly number which was sent six months ago by some well-meaning friend with terrible taste. Emma, who is mostly a jeans-and-sweatshirt kind of gal, was already suspicious of this thing while it was still on its hanger. Dressing a baby under normal conditions is enough of a challenge, but when the child displays an active distrust for the garment, you have a situation on your hands.

I sang her one of her favorite songs, which didn't calm her down, but at least drowned out some of her protests. The biggest problem was the tiny neck-hole for the undershirt which was apparently supposed to be yanked down over a noggin the size of a Crenshaw melon ... what kind of morons design these things? It was like trying to stuff a bowling ball through a garden hose, but louder.

Eventually we reverted to the jeans-and-sweatshirt look. After all, wasn't the whole point of staying at home to Be Casual? And I'll be darned if Emma didn't look as cute as all get-out in her everyday duds. And with a brief crying fit under her belt, she was all smiles in time for the guest of honor. And the look on her face when Julia walked into the room reminded me that I might the one-and-only Homedaddy, but there's still no substitute for Mommy.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.