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Teething

When things run smoothly with home and child, it is all too common for the Homedaddy to succumb to a momentary sense of adequacy. If allowed to flourish unchecked, this self-congratulatory state can blossom into a full-blown delusion of control. At this point there is bound to be some new development which brings reality back into sharper focus. If there is no such troubling new development, an old one can always re-surface.

Since Emma and I have been enjoying smooth sailing for a few days now, it was only to be expected that she resume teething. It's been a few months since she cut any teeth and I've grown more accustomed to admiring her little choppers than to visualizing sharp bone slowly pushing through sensitive membrane. Forget the Tooth Fairy; this is the universe at work in all its random and violent glory.

A few months ago we co-starred in the first big diaster movie of infancy, "Teething: Gums of Agony." Now, at around 14 months of age, we find ourselves contractually obligated to star in the sequel, "Teething 2: Molar Hell."

This time it's worse. The molars push through more slowly than the front teeth, a fact she can appreciate more than ever with her rapidly-developing awareness. Not like the old days when a little distraction went a long way. No more diverting her attention with a frozen dishrag to chew on or a few minutes of C-SPAN on the tube.

A quick web search on the word "teething" yielded the usual copiously redundant information as well as some new tidbits.

One source claims that "...you may find that your baby gets relief if you rub the affected gum with your clean finger ..." It's possible, but you may also find that Baby does not wish to have your finger rubbing on the Most Painful Spot in the World. If you don't already know how hard she can bite, you soon will. Keep the phone nearby to call 911 for the Jaws of Life to extricate your finger.

Another article suggested giving Baby a plastic chew toy, especially one that can be chilled or frozen. This seemed like a good idea till I read the next article which claimed that "... certain baby rattle and teething toys contain a softening chemical that causes cancer in laboratory animals ..." Oh, great. I checked it out with The Consumer Product Safety Commission but their statement didn't provide much reassurance: ``... parents of young children who mouth these products for long periods of time may wish to dispose of them,'' and I assume they mean the chew toy.

The rest of the web sites suggest pain-relief medication, which is OK, provided you can actually get the medicine into the baby. In the throes of teething, babies will often mistake the medicine dropper for a branding iron, and will exhibit the appropriate level of resistance. The bottle should come with a warning: "Attempts to stick a medicine dropper into the mouth of a thrashing baby with throbbing gums can result in more trouble than you want to know about."

Administering unwanted medicine to a baby is like giving a pill to a cat except that it is still socially permissible to grab a cat by the scruff of the neck and tilt the head back before prying the jaws open. Even then, the cat forgets the whole business a minute later while a one-year-old will glare at you for days as if memorizing the face of pure evil.

It is true, however, that there exists a perfect Zen state when you become one with your baby and can administer the dropperful of medicine, thus allowing the healing energies to flow from the original packaging into the baby. I only wish I could tell you how to achieve that state.

Sometimes the best solution is just to keep your baby company and maintain a soothing demeanor. And instead of pain-killers, stick to the Zen approach, and that way, perhaps you and the baby can, um, transcend dental medication.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.