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My wife, Julia, went off to a conference in another state and took Emma with her. They'll be gone for five more days, and I hardly know what to do with myself. In the few short days they've been gone I can already feel my technique starting to get rusty.

Naturally, I think I've been doing very well so far, but we are not always the best judges of ourselves. I certainly never expected the jolt I received this morning when I picked up my copy of "Father Times," a Homedaddy trade journal, and read the cover story:

"Homedaddy's Confidence Tumbles Today, Report Cites Worries About Short-Term Outlook"

Homedaddy's confidence rating sagged seven points today and now stands at an all-time low. It was the largest daily decline since the 7.9-point drop recorded the last time he took Emma to the pediatrician for immunizations. Along with concerns about the short-term laundry outlook, his lack of presence is a primary reason for today's decline. The Diaper Index, which has a strong track record in predicting future activity, fell nearly 11 points to close at 95.9 last month. The Teething Situation Index decreased only one and a half points and now stands at 171.2.

According to the Male Parent Research Center, "Tumultuous teething developments, airline travel, and unsettling nap patterns have been major factors in curbing Homedaddy's popularity, and his notable absence this week isn't helping."

"Although Homedaddy continues to be generally confident about current baby conditions, he will have to be in peak form upon the return home of wife and child. Homedaddy has traditionally tended to rebound rapidly from sporadic downturns in the infant and toddler sectors."

Industry-wide, some 48% of dads surveyed say current conditions are "good," while 32% say naps are "sufficient" up from a little less than 29% in the fourth quarter.

It was a wake-up call. An off-season training regimen was called for. I tried to work on my mechanics by carrying a more or less life-sized doll around the house, but it lacked the heft and will power to make a worthwhile excercise. When this didn't work I studied the videotapes. The home video camera is a fabulous tool for deconstructing the physical kinetics of childcare. While my performance was consistent, the replays made it clear that my diaper changing stance is too wide. I could also see that I am not keeping my wrist straight when spoon-feeding. Definitely room for improvement.

I simply must bring these rating points up and I can't do it while sitting on the bench. When Emma returns I am going to have my team of pollsters define the substantial issues, and then I am going to address them proactively. Even if it means reading Curious George yet again.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.