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Tell It Like It Seems

As babies grow into toddlerhood and begin to speak, there is a phase where they repeat everything you say. This poses a tremendous challenge to those parents who use expletives the way others breathe oxygen. You may break this habit, but the urge never goes away. Calling someone a "doo doo head" will never carry the visceral impact of comparing them to an orifice usually covered by at least two layers of clothing.

But there's really no choice, since your child will repeat the word even before she knows what it means. When she learns what it means she will repeat it with greater frequency. Besides disarming your arsenal of curses, you'll also have to invent cutesy secret code phrases for sex (if you ever run into me at a party, ask me about the laundry joke).

This is the beginning of the long and painful process of deciding how much to lie to your children. Don't tell me you never lie to your children, or to anyone for that matter. Everyone lies, at least by omission, which, according to my elementary school principal, amounted to the same thing.

Lying, hiding the truth, or putting your best spin on a situation, it's all the same, and I am not saying that it is always a bad thing. Very young children are not equipped to comprehend the horrors of war crimes, industrial waste, and the Iowa Caucuses.

Lies must be understood as an ingrained part of our culture. Consider, for example, the ad campaign for a popular soft drink which I would never be so tacky as to name (Sprite) which claims that "Image Is Nothing." Yeah sure. This is why they have an annual television advertising budget that could eliminate world hunger and possibly even cure my former boss of standing too close and spitting when he talks.

So what do you do? Last weekend we went to the Ballpark Formerly Known As Candlestick to see the Giants and the Dodgers. I figured we'd get tickets at the park, day of the game, from some helpful soul I meet standing around near the main box office.

I don't buy tickets from "scalpers;" that would be illegal. I just find someone who wishes to give me the tickets as a gift, which is not so difficult as you might imagine. The world is full of generous people. We met a guy who was happy to give us some excellent tickets simply because we asked for them. It was a wonderful display of spotaneous generosity for Emma to witness.

Naturally, I wanted to teach her that when someone does something nice for you, it is important to be nice in return so I lent the guy some money which, we figured, he can pay back when the Cubs win the Series (by which time the interest alone will be more than the national debt).

Lies, spin, omission, double standards ... call it what you will. Here at Homedaddy¾ Corporate Headquarters we refer to it as Selective Positive Imaging. Equally effective when sprinkled on the garden. Send for a free brochure.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.