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Baby's First Word

Children develop at different rates, and parents just need to learn to relax, since your child will walk and talk when he is darn well ready. Some babies are ready to compete in the Iron Man Triathalon at nine months even though they might be communicating in grunts and crude hand gestures well into their early thirties, while other babies show no interest whatsoever in walking, and instead prefer to sit in the middle of the floor reciting the periodic table of elements.

The notion of "baby's first word" is a popular myth, since most parents cheat by putting their face three inches away from the child, often frightening the tar out of him, while chanting "Say mama, mah-mah, SAY MAMA!" until the little one, in a desperate act of self-preservation, finally blurts out a badly garbled version. The proud parents then phone friends and relatives to spread the news and then send away for a Mensa application. Never mind that the baby doesn't know the true meaning and application of the word any more than he knows the melting point of tungsten.

This does not count as baby's first word. It is merely the first introduction to the art of "apple polishing," which is, of course, better known by another anatomically-based phrase which is so crude that I could not possibly publish it here and instead must rely on the probability that you know exactly what I am talking about and in fact are thinking of it at this very moment.

Many parents are full of stories (among other things) about how their child's first word was "ratio," or "jurisdiction, " and they will tell you these tales with such wide-eyed belief that you will either have to make an awkward excuse to leave or use your pepper spray.

According to a very scientific poll conducted by the Homedaddy¾ Research Institue, the first legitimate word of 99% of all babies is "no." It is actually a very complex word with many shades of meaning, depending on inflection, facial expression, body english, volume, and duration. A gently murmured "no" could mean "maybe," whereas a 30-second, high-volume, red-in-the-face number could actually mean "no."

Toddlers spend most of their time in a frustrated condition, since they lack the verbal skills to express their concerns. Questions as "Why does evil exist," "Do we really have free will," and the ever-popular "Is there a God" must all be posed using words like "ba-ba," "mama," and "joos," which makes a straight answer unlikely. Thus begins the age of tantrums, where Baby will vent his rage by rolling on the floor, kicking and screaming.

In college, your child will learn that this called an "existential crisis," and will be able to deal with it in a more mature fashion. He'll go to parties where, inspired by dangerously loud music and forbidden refreshments, he will roll on the floor kicking and screaming with lots of other students pondering the same questions. A straight answer will be as elusive as ever.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.