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Crayons Happen

Wilson the Giant Black Labrador has always been a source of great amusement to Emma. Though she finds all of his actions to be of high comedic value, it is his eating habits which seem to be the funniest. She is thoroughly entertained by sitting on the floor watching him eat dog food from his bowl, and feeding him by hand is even funnier. Funniest of all is to toss the food for him to catch.

I have to admit, a hundred-plus pounds of wild-eyed, floppy-eared dog lunging around the kitchen for a single piece of kibble is pretty silly. Emma thinks it's a riot.

The very word "kibble" cracks her up, and it is indeed a word which is difficult to take seriously. She holds up a piece for scrutiny and asks, "Whuzzat?" I try to keep a straight face as I say, "kibble," but it's not easy. You try it sometime.

Dogs have their own logic, and I try to account for this factor as I wonder whether Wilson is a very picky eater, or just dumb as a bag of hammers. At times he will decline to touch the perfectly good food in his bowl, but if you pick up a single piece and feign throwing motions he gets all excited and starts knocking over bookcases with his tail. He'll catch and eat as many pieces of kibble as you care to throw.

For Emma, the thought of kibble being funny eventually yields to other trains of baby thought, leaving behind a generally positive feeling about this Thing Called Kibble. Since she's till holding a piece of it in her hand it is only a matter of time before she considers the possibility of eating it herself, and since all associations thus far are good ones, I have to intervene before she goes through with it.

I don't want to be an alarmist, but you really don't want your baby eating dogfood. Just think about the World's Worst Meat; filthy little specks of offal so remote and disgusting it's even too trashy even for the fast-food industry. Believe it or not, there is meat that exceeds even the USDA's allowable human consumption levels for bacteria, rat hairs, and what-have-you.

Wilson will eat anything if you toss it to him. Although I might not have believed it had my daughter not seen fit to take this leap of faith, it turns out you can even get him to eat crayons by pretending they are treats. I thought this was really funny, which made it hard to discourage Emma from doing it.

But as the old saying goes, you reap what you sow. One of Homedaddy's many duties is to scoop up the dog poop in the yard on the day before each week's trash pickup, and I hesitate to even use the word "poop" here. It's acceptable when when talking about babies, but when used in association with a dog of this size, it just trivializes things. I think a phrase like "Gross National Product" is more like it. In any case, it isn't possible to do this chore and remain ignorant of the fact that Wilson has eaten a box worth of Emma's crayons. I won't burden you with the details, except to say the results are very '60s.

Which reminds me of something I am sure many of you already know, which is that cat urine is visible under a black light. Those of you who have not yet harnessed the power of this amazing discovery for your own personal financial gain should conatact Homedaddy¾ Inc. for a free brochure.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.