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Laundry Blues

Some people still do not realize how boring laundry can be. I'm talking about real laundry, not the student version where you go once every six months with a hundred bucks in quarters, and you go in the middle of the night so you can run sixteen machines at once.

Housewives have known it for centuries; the new Homedaddies are just now figuring it out: Doing the laundry is a drag. Never mind the fact that it's an uphill battle you'll never win; the worst part is that it exposes you to dangerously unhealthy levels of boredom. If allowed to continue unchecked, this can lead to Laundry Shock Syndrome, a degenerative state of apathy toward the world at large which is not covered by your medical plan.

This unfortunate condition cannot be cured but it can be prevented, and you working mommies hold the key. By utilizing the Homedaddy Laundry Conceptà you can turn this blindingly dull activity into a game of wits and wiles ... a tantalizing brainteaser, a high fashion treasure hunt, and a test of nerves and manual dexterity all rolled into one! Here's how it works:

1. Never throw clothing of any kind into a hamper. Would you want your husband to be able to locate all of the dirty clothes in a room merely by picking up a hamper? Of course not. So get creative: under the bed, under the car seats, and wedged behind the toilet are good places to start. Do not be hindered by conventional notions of civilized behavior.

2. By using the patened Homedaddy Clump ConceptÃ, you can create mounds of clothing which contain customized blends of dirty clothes, mostly-clean clothes to be worn again, and silk and rayon items of great value which must be dry cleaned only. Nothing can compare to the sense of satisfaction at a job well-done a Homedaddy feels after sorting through a pile of clothes only to wind up with several new piles.

3. Always remove articles of clothing so they end up inside-out, and preferably so that they are wrapped up inside each other. Turn the laundry into a job for a man who works with his hands! Remember: Any wimp could just dump the hamper into the washer ... but you need a real Homedaddyà to handle your load! What better way to let him know!

4. Your secret weapon: Pockets! By strategically leaving things in your pockets, you can elevate the Homedaddy Laundry Conceptà to new heights. The industry standard for this technique is lipstick, preferably a shade with a name like "Heather Mist" or "Baked Raisin." This will guarantee that it is a different color than anything else in your wardrobe, or in the known physical universe for that matter. But don't limit yourself to lipstick. Cash, birth certificates, the house deed ... the sky's the limit!

I won't lie to you. The Homedaddy Laundry Conceptà requires a great deal of additional commitment on the part of you working mommies, who are already weakened from exposure to flourescent light and bad coffee in styrofoam cups. It is asking a lot of you to fight against your natural drive for cleanliness and order, but it is a sacrifice you will make if you want to let your Homedaddy know he's needed.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.