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Nail-Biter

"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it." - Harry S. Truman

This statement is, of course, exactly the type of smarmy, self-important bull-product you would expect to hear from a man who never had to trim a baby's fingernails.

Fingernail trimming is not something routinely covered in childbirth or parenting classes. They're too busy telling you about the real exciting stuff like cradle cap and meconium (don't ask, don't tell).

In the first few days it's not that big a deal. Mom just bites them off, and since she is generally spending her waking hours kissing the baby all over, the Little Prototype never even notices. This is a good thing, since newborns tend to wave their arms and legs around in random swirling motions which make long fingernails a serious hazard.

A baby will be lying there, peaceful as a monk with a noggin full of Prozac, and then sudenly lash out with a combination of moves that looks like a new martial art. It would make a good Kung Fu movie: Babies Of The Shaolin Temple. Since they can't yet speak, you can amuse yourself by dubbing in the dialogue for them: "Ahh, you fight like a wetnurse ... now you must die!"

In the early days, they are mostly dangerous to themselves since they haven't really learned where their bodies end and the outside world begins. All of that random waving and grabbing eventually results in self-contact, which is the usual explanation for babies with scratched faces.

A few months down the road, though, is another story, when the fingernails, left untrimmed, become actual talons, and the unsuspecting parent leaning in for that one last smooch gets a nasty surprise.

Mother Nature being the prankster that she is, a baby's new-found strength and agility after about four months will correspond to the fingernails getting a little tougher. If they are not closely trimmed, you run the risk of having a meatball-sized chunk of flesh torn from your cheek.

By this time you need to graduate to nail clippers. You can use the regular kind, although you can also buy special baby versions which feature pink and blue bunnies on the impossible-to-open bubble wrap packaging and are also, incidentally, totally useless.

The average baby is suspicious of any grownup murmuring sweet nothings while brandishing a sharp metal object. You can expect resistance. The fact that you then end up having to pin him between your legs in a scissors-grip will only reinforce his apprehensions. The escalated struggle will then increase the odds that you will inflict some sort of cuticle-related injury.

Perhaps what is needed is a Baby Fingernail-Trimming Service. No one has done it yet ... maybe this will be my claim to fame. I'll call it the Talon Agency.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.