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Go Fly a Kite

A kite was once just a funny-shaped piece in Emma's jigsaw puzzle and a spokesman for the letter K in one of her alphabet books, but since last weekend's beach party, she is, at age sixteen months, a believer. She spent the entire time watching the kites fly, pointing skyward and yelling "Up!" lest there be any confusion.

Five days later, having lost all hope of any verbal interaction which did not prominently feature the word "kite," I promised to take her out to get one. But where? When I was a kid, there were a couple of old fashioned local toy stores that always had kites.

Laboring under the temporary illusion that I am a part of mainstream society, I took Emma to Toys R UsÃ. They'll have kites, I thought. If anything, they'll have too many to choose from. We'll get lost in the Kite Annex of their building, and Emma will be traumatically overstimulated by a kite display the size of a car dealership.

OK, now take a wild guess what they did not carry. To their credit, they did offer a large selection of many different kinds of flying toys, none of which were kites, but many of which had very lifelike depictions of Star Warsà characters.

I'll tell you what Toys R Usà did have, and that is Barbieà dolls. Hordes of them, staring us down from the shelves like bonsai Stepford Wives, sporting every conceivable costume and festooned with the trappings of various far-flung scenarios that really try one's patience.

My favorite was the "Golden Anniversary BarbieÃ" This thing was displayed in an elaborate glass case as though it was a diamond, or a salami or something, with a little engraved placard which read: "A Toys R Usà exclusive! In celebration of the Golden Anniversary of Toys R UsÃ, Barbieà wears a red AIDS awareness ribbon."

With a reverent moment of silence, I pondered this brilliant marketing concept: Barbieà celebrates corporate bloat by displaying her awareness of AIDS. How noble of her, to make this bold statement! I had no idea the doll community was so affected. That poor Golden Anniversary BarbieÃ, how many fellow BarbiesÃ, KensÃ, and Skippersà has she lost to this dreadful disease?

How could this happen? Certainly the absence of genitals rules out sexual contact. The obvious answer hit me like a ton of Legosà ... it must be IV drugs. As a responsible journalist, I owe it to the public to get at the truth. Just not now.

Clearly, it was time to leave; I did not want Emma around this sort of bad influence. We had to buy something so they wouldn't think we were total deadbeats. At the bargain rack I was tempted by the "Official Military" play set which featured two hand grenades and a combat knife, figuring at least we could fight our way out of the Barbieà section. Instead I selected a cheap pail-and-shovel set for our next beach trip. $1.99, with no licensed character graphics. The cashier gave me that Lousy Cheapskate GlareÃ, but I thought Hey, if she doesn't like it, she can go fly a kite.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.