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Go With The Flow

If your baby breastfeeds, Mommy is going to have to pump some milk to keep in the fridge so you Homedaddiesà can feed the baby when she goes back to work. "Express" is the word they use in the Parenting business when they speak of this, although "pump" is what they mean. You can get a cheap hand pump that looks like something you'd use to inflate a volleyball, and is about as breast-friendly. If you are yuppie slime you will no doubt purchase the luxury package, featuring an electric double pump system and a calfskin carrying case.

The top-of-the-line rig looks like a cross between a Gucci handbag and a kidney dialysis machine. It straps right onto Mom's chest and allows her to "express" from both sides while keeping the hands free to make conference calls, sign documents, and lay off thousands of employees. This is a high-horsepower unit, designed to meet Executive Mom's need for instant results. Be careful: fourth gear is strong enough to suck crude oil deposits out of a dry lake bed. Remember ladies, always start the unit on low power unless you want your entire torso yanked up the intake tube. Important safety tip.

Since Emma never took to the bottle during her first year, I became something of a sippy-cup expert. They come in two basic varietites; free-flowing and no-spill. The free-flowing kind is great for keeping all clothing and porous household surfaces saturated at all times. The spill-proof kind, on the other hand, work too well. Some of them wouldn't spill a drop into your mouth even if you sucked hard enough to pull your molars out of their sockets.

I became encouraged recently when Emma took a renewed interest in the bottle. The only problem was that the nipples we had from a year ago don't flow fast enough to give her a good drink. It was killing the momentum; she'd yell for the bottle, I'd fetch it, and she'd take a couple of low-yield pulls before pitching it down in frustration.

I went shopping for new nipples but they only come in 2 sizes, Newborn and medium, which was the size we were already using at home. Julia's mother told us that Julia had the same problem as a baby. Her solution had been to heat a tatting hook, which is like a thin knitting needle, over a flame and use it to poke a bigger hole. She also reminded me that she had sent us this very implement some time ago ... and I suddenly flashed on that little flame-blackened tool sitting in the bottom of the kitchen utility drawer.

Ten minutes later, the tatting hook had worked its magic. Emma was swigging away contentedly, concentrating hard enough to provide me with a rare minute of reflection. Back when I agreed to be a Homeddady, I knew there would be major lifestyle changes. I just never imagined I'd have to pierce my nipples.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.