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Night On The Town

Brand-new, first-time parents bring their newborn to a restaurant with enough food and gear to tide the Donner Party over till the spring thaw. As Baby snoozes with a Buddha's peaceful countenance, perfect strangers linger at the table to heap on the praise and admiration. What a relaxed baby! So well-behaved! So comfortable around strangers!

It's easy for new parents to get cocky, even if the offspring is still too young to grasp the fact that she has experienced a Change Of Venue. This is a snap, the parents think. Jeez, if she's already this comfortable in a restaurant, just think, in another year or two she'll be ordering the wine.

Veteran parents, having learned that things get tougher before they get easier, are amused by such hubris. Toddlers are less popular with the general public than infants. They are like the teenagers of the little kid world, thrilled by the prospect of rebellion against parents while remaining totally reliant upon them. They are physically able to cause serious trouble and sufficiently lacking in judgement to actually do it. They are capable of exhibiting pure beauty and senseless evil in the same moment. They also go through frequent phases of refusing to eat anything except goldfish crackers.

From about four months till around one year of age, you can strap a baby into a restaurant high chair for major spans of time (10 minutes, even), but the average toddler can undo those plastic seat belt clasps faster than Houdini. If this fails to get a rise, he'll learn to push against the table with both feet, tipping the entire high chair over backwards and causing both parents leap to their feet as though receiving an unexpected B12 shot in a crowded public place.

At a certain point it also becomes more expensive when they become dissatisfied with being fed from your plate and it becomes necessary to order a so-called child's plate which consists of one-tenth the food for a mere eighty percent of the regular price. When ordering, stick to things made with honey, lemon, raw egg, and beer, since these things are said to be good for the hair, and most babies will rub most of it there anyway.

Even under optimum conditions, you can expect to leave a significant mess. The last time we took Emma to our favorite Mexican restaurant, we ordered an extra side of rice. She got busy with her spoon and the whole thing was gone in minutes. I was thoroughly impressed with her apetite as well as her dexterity until I lifted her from the high chair and saw the entire serving fall from the folds of her clothes onto the floor. If you ever want to visit the same place twice you'd better learn to be a big tipper.

Restaurants should really provide a special rubber room for families wth toddlers. It would allow the Little One to careen about at will without the usual risk of skull fracture; plus, the room could be quickly hosed down after each family. And while they're at it, they could put side orders of goldfish crackers on the menu.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.