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The Goldfish Standard

Of all the tons of material written about the Y2Kà CrisisÃ, there has been no mention of the potentially devastating impact on the Homedaddy Industry. Parents face a very real danger of being unable to provide the essentials of life for their small children, and by this I am obviously referring to Pepperidge Farm¾ Goldfishà Crackers.

Although most experts agree that you should have enough cash on hand for a month's supply (about $3,000), there are others who say that simply having some extra coin laying around the house might not solve your problems if the grocery stores can't do business as usual. These people are afraid that the cash registers will all be going off like slot machines, so they won't be able to take your money even if you try to give it to them, although personally, I have never worried about someone else's ability to take my money, broken cash register or no.

Nonetheless, I was relieved to learn that it's a non-issue according to a different group of Y2K analysts who have their knickers in a knot just because they think the country's trucking, shipping, and railroad schedules are controlled by a massive and hopelessly non-compliant network of ancient, wood-burning computers, all of which will go paws-up on Jaunuary 1. So don't worry about cash registers, say this group, because your local store won't have any more Goldfishà crackers in stock anyway.

A troubling notion, but fortunately, there's another layer of theorists assuring us that the so-called concern about transportation control systems is nothing but alarmist tripe anyway, since the Y2K bug will cause such disruption in the fuel business that there won't be any gasoline anyhow. See? No sense worrying about some stupid trucking schedule. What a relief!

But what about the gasoline? Not a problem, according to yet another faction who are convinced that large scale food manufacturers will be shut down anyway due to their own internal computer failures. With nothing to ship, they won't be needing much fuel. Furthermore, the shutdown of food production facilities is immaterial. Disruption in farming and chemical industries will interrupt supplies of enriched flour. They won't be making those dastardly little nuggets in the first place. Although you may find this prospect distantly appealing, you are obligated to provide for your child.

Where do you go from here? Well, there's always that other charming group of optimists who suggest that you start now learning to be a blacksmith or a cobbler, because at 12:01 AM on 1/1/00, all of the world's computers will emit a little puff of smoke and make a cukoo clock noise, and before you can say "non-compliant" we'll all be bounced right back to the Middle Ages.

So forget about hoarding cash. The smart Homedaddy should instead stockpile several tons of Goldfishà crackers, which will clearly be the commodity of the future.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.