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Dress For Success

New research has shown that babies begin forming opinions in the womb, as early as six weeks after conception. By birth, they have fully-formed notions about how to be held, how to feed, and whether Leslie Visser (or was it Hannah Storm?) looked hung-over during her sideline interviews on January 3rd's Monday Night Football game.

By the time the child starts developing speech abilities, she'll be absolutely brimming over with opinions just waiting for a voice. Parenting books tell you that a good way to "empower" your child, as well as build her verbal skills, is to allow her to pick out clothing to wear. If you have ever done this you will recall the feeling of relief that your child is not dressing for a job interview.

Young children do not choose clothing at random, which would at least result in an occasional match. They play the individual favorites: polka dot pants, plaid shirt, Winnie-The-Pooh hat, one cowboy boot and one rubber beach sandal. Efforts to attenuate these decisions will result in disaster; do not try.

Theoretically, if you indulge them in this practice early, they'll eventually get the hang of it, while conversely, children who are not allowed to go through this process will suffer the consequences as adults. It has not traditionally been considered important to let young boys pick out their clothes, which explains why most bachelors have the fashion sense of two-year-olds.

Important note: Do not urge your child to pick out clothing if he shows no interest in doing so. The very worst thing you can do is to hold up each piece of clothing separately and say "How about this?" unless it is your intention never to leave the room. The "No" Reflex will engage, even if the child really doesn't give a fig either way.

Most children outgrow this trait, thanks to a recessive gene that kicks in somewhere down the line. Children lacking this gene become stuck at this stage of emotional development and often become corporate middle-managers or studio executives.

I let Emma choose her own outfits as often as possible, with the result that sometimes she looks like a survivor of a bomb attack in a thrift store. She made quite an entrance to the toney women's boutique where we recently shopped for Julia's birthday gift, and her fashion statement did not go unnoticed by the snooty saleswoman who looked as though she owned a handmade toilet paper "cozy" that matched the trim on her bathroom curtains. So palpable was her scorn that I felt obliged to offer an explanation. "Ha, ha," I joked, rubbing my chin and realizing I needed a shave, "guess who picked out her clothes today?" The woman raised a plucked eyebrow. "Her daddy?"

My fervent denial only seemed to cement my guilt in this woman's eyes. I'd like to say we took our business elsewhere but we found something really nice.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.