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Tantrums and Stress

Learning to be a parent is not like learning anything else. You do not begin with lesson one and proceed in a linear fashion through lesson two and so on. Every day is lesson one.

Despite the scare tactics of birth class and horror stories from other parents, the early days are actually pretty easy. It's just a matter of losing a lot of sleep and worrying about the future. All you really have to do is provide unconditional love, which is easy. Your job as parents is to pour it on, to wait on that baby hand and foot and let her know that you are there to see to her slightest need. The experts will tell you that you simply cannot spoil a newborn baby, although you should try.

Now flash forward about eighteen months. All of your how-to books about infant care are in cardboard boxes in the garage awaiting a yard sale or another pregnancy, whichever comes first. You now own a new set of instruction books for toddler care that spend a great many chapters talking about "establishing boundaries," a term reminiscent of international diplomacy and dog obedience training.

How appropriate.

Much has been written about the trials and tribulations of toddler-hood. The child is learning that she is a separate entity, that she can make decisions of her own, and that by screaming at a certain frequency she can cause toast to appear at the breakfast table minus the crusts.

A recent study suggests that the so-called "Terrible Twos" have less to do with a child's personality than with the stress level of the parents. Talk about a feedback loop.

Of course, the experts weigh in with some useful advice, as usual. Jay Belsky, a professor of Human Development and Family Studies at Penn State, suggests that parents can minimize tantrums by recognizing the child's need for independence. Instead of just saying "No,' Belsky explains, the more sensitive parent elaborates, "No, you can't climb on that, you'll hurt yourself."

This guy has apparently never met a two-year-old, which is not surprising since there are very few of them enrolled at Penn State.

Once a tantrum has begun there are several different approaches. Although some knuckleheads still advocate spanking, the most common technique is known as the "Time Out," which is fine if your house has a rubber room where the enthusiastic youngster can flail away in good faith without risking serious bodily injury.

Above all, keep your cool. The tantrum will play itself out, and the more relaxed you are afterwards, the less likely the tantrum will return, or so they tell us. And what exactly do the experts have to tell us about staying relaxed? Parenting expert Lynn M. Johnson suggests buying yourself a rose. "There's nothing like the smell and touch of real flowers, " she notes.

She right, you know. The last time I bought a fake one it made me feel so empty inside that Emma pitched a litle fit just to show that she cared.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.