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Life of the Potty

There is no aspect of childhood that is so remote, so fleeting, or so personal that some bunch of rubes somewhere are not trying to exploit it for a buck.

The interests and personalities of the entrepreneurs are reflected in their chosen specialties. There are literary-minded folks who develop and market toys to teach the alphabet, sports fans who sell games of manual dexterity, and food buffs hawking everything from fancy bibs to miniature kitchen sets.

And then there's the potty training crowd.

A web search on the phrase "potty training" turns up a variety of products designed by people who are probably trying to be helpful but who should be closely monitored nonetheless.

One company sells a "motivational chart" that looks like a board game to chronicle your child's potty progress. In a stroke of pure genius (or perhaps confusion) they suggest that you put the chart up on the refrigerator. Toddlers may be too young to appreciate this subtle bit of alimentary humor, but at least visitors to your home can keep up-to-date on your child's current level of sphincter control. This may be the best little conversation piece of all time for getting rid of unwanted guests.

There were a number of musical potty seats that play a song when a child "succeeds." Great care should be taken to ensure that the child does not make an unfortunate association between going to the toilet and making music -- a phenomenon which could account for much of what is now heard on commercial radio. Generally, these devices are harmless as long as they don't play the national anthem, which could cause your little patriot to leap to his feet at an unfortunate moment, resulting in embarrassment, injury, or political alienation.

One web page claims "the most advanced training aid ever produced in the history of potty training" (note to self: write up a proposal for the History Channel). Listed among the many beneficial side effects: "Teaches Manners, Creates Sense of Humor, Promotes Positive Thinking, Great Gift Idea ..."

What exactly is this miracle product, this scientific breakthrough? Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you (trumpet fanfare) The Happy Bull's-Eye Target Sticker ... a quarter-sized toilet bowl decal featuring a smiley face and the words "Thank You." So simple, yet, so elegant.

In the name of consumer advocacy, I e-mailed this company for substantiation of the theory that urinating on a smiley face might teach manners or promote positive thinking. Expressing concerns about potential long-term side effects, I wondered what happens when a graduate of the Happy Bull's-Eye Method has a breakdown as an adult? It's enough to make you think twice about saying "Have a nice day" to a total stranger.

A company representative wrote back to pooh-pooh my concerns. Directing my attention back to the web page (how could I have missed it?) she reiterated The Happy Bull's-Eye Creed: "We honor and respect our customers."

Yep, there's no denying it, at Happy Bull's-Eye, the customer is Number One.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.