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Standing Up To Martha

There is nothing like reading a Martha Stewart publication to remind a Homedaddy that in terms of essential homemaking skills such as restoring authentic Colonial-era spittoons or using only fresh-picked cranberries from the private bog on one's own property for Holiday Dressing, he is nothing but a stone failure.

I may have had delusions about completing household projects when I first became a Homedaddy, but after two years of childcare, I consider it a personal triumph if everyone has clean underwear and the garbage cans are brought back from the curb at some point during the week.

Not content to make the average homemaker feel like a total loser, Martha Stewart has now released a "Special Baby Issue." Among the clinically detailed articles about decorating diaper pails with something called "ticking," I spotted the "Ask Martha" feature where readers send in queries about life at home with a baby. For the first time, I thought, "Aha, she can't tell me anything I don't know." As a test, I lifted her readers' questions word for word and answered them without cheating once.

Q: How can I be sure that my baby's crib is as safe as possible?
A: Personally, I think you worry too much, but if you think your baby's crib is in danger you should secure it with a heavy-duty bike lock. If you live in a realy terrible neighborhood you can purchase an inexpensive crib alarm system or simply bolt the crib to the house foundation.

Q: How do we announce that we have adopted a baby?
A: That all depends on your station in life. If you are a major Hollywood type then a full page announcement in Variety plus a few billboards on Sunset are de rigeur. Otherwise, a simple battery-powered megaphone should do the trick.

Q: Is it all right for a baby to be taken out to a restaurant?
A: Yes, as long as you tell the baby's parents where you are going and when you'll be back. You should also be prepared to pick up the tab; babies are notoriously old-fashioned.

Q: What are the pros and cons of cloth and disposable diapers?
A: On the pro side, diapers offer the necessary protection for furniture, bedding, and clothing. The downside is that most babies prefer to be naked and will demonstrate their dislike for diapers in the most graphic way imagineable.

Q; Should I prepare my pets for my baby?
A: Heavens, no. The baby won't be ready for solid food for a few more months yet.

That went rather well, don't you think? Maybe I'll venture into the craft arena while I'm at it. If Martha can do it, why can't I? Tune in next week and I'll tell you how to take the carcass from the Thanksgiving turkey, kiln-dry it, paint it with gold leaf, and turn it upside down to fashion a whimsically festive holiday potty seat.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.