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Ride 'Em, Homedaddy

When my wife, Julia, first became pregnant about three years ago, we considered keeping both jobs and hiring a full-time nanny, but we quickly rejected this plan on financial as well as emotional grounds. Since Julia loved her work and was also earning the lion's share, it was my job that went on the block.

I bailed out of my low-paying, stress-filled job in a hot second. Easiest decision I've ever made. Before you could say "cradle cap," I became a Emma's full-time parent amid so much support and admiration, you'd think I had volunteered for a suicide mission, rather than something that women have been doing forever with no fanfare and hardly any thanks.

Now that men are getting involved, full-time parenting will probably be legitimized as a respectable vocation, if not a noble pursuit. If enough men do it, you can expect it to become a full-fledged Sport, complete with leagues, playoffs, and beer commercials.

ESPN2 will have to bump the "Huge Men With Suspicious Chromosomes Tossing Farm Implements" competition to clear the schedule for the Homedaddy Finals. Full-time fathers from around the world will compete in various categories as they vie for the title of Grand Champion Homedaddy ð and the honor of donning the coveted Master's Apron, with its colorful fingerpaint-and-vomit motif designed by Leroy Neiman.

The Newborn Division events will include Sleep Deprivation and Birth Announcement Addressing (points deducted for crossouts, wasted envelopes, and returned mail). The Infant Division will feature Freestyle Sleep Induction, Speed Burping, and Silly Noises (judged on artistic merit ð look out for those tough, humorless Eastern European judges!). Homedaddies in the Stock Baby Division will accumulate point totals in various Stroller Racing events before advancing to the Nike/VISA/Fisher Price Tee Shirt Shootout¾, in which they will attempt to pull a tee shirt with a pathetically undersized neck opening over a one-year-old's head in under eight seconds. Causing the baby to cry results in a disqualification, or "no time."

Featuring the strongest, fastest, and most cunning children, the Toddler Division will draw the biggest crowds and the highest advertising rates. In the Furniture Race, a timed event, a chair, a sofa, and a coffee table will be placed in a triangular formation in the arena. The Homedaddy, carrying a toothbrush in one hand, must chase the toddler around all three pieces of furniture in a cloverleaf pattern. Five seconds will be added to his time if anything is knocked over, and barking a shin on the coffee table will result in immediate disqualification.

With elements of calf roping, steer wrestling, and bareback riding, the Bedtime Sprint will be the main event. As the official timer sounds a bell to signify bedtime, a naked toddler will be given a three-second head start toward the front door. Giving chase through an obstacle course of wheeled toys, the Homedaddy must catch the child from behind, carry him back into the house, wrestle him to the ground, and prepare him for bed with the fresh diaper he carries in his teeth. When the diaper is secure, the Homedaddy will throw his hands in the air as a signal to the flag judge.

Childcare is a contact sport; there are bound to be tantrums and boo-boos. In a situation gone bad, the Clowndaddies will jump in to cheer up the baby with crowd-pleasing antics, while providing a safe escape for the Homedaddy in trouble.

The popularity of this sport will surpass everyone's wildest expectations, and it won't be long before Homedaddy events are included in the Olympics, Who knows? Even women may eventually be allowed to compete.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.