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Simon Says

Sooner or later, defiant behavior presents a knotty problem for parents, except for those brutal disciplinarians for whom the course of action is clear, and whose children may eventually aspire to great success pitching their Repressed Memory Syndrome books on the Oprah Winfrey show. The modern parent must be creative in finding new ways to exert authority and establish contructive routines without being a total jerk.

Mealtimes and dental hygeine are classic areas of difficulty. Some toddlers would no sooner eat their corn than prepare a tax return, while others are about as receptive to having their teeth brushed as having their fingernails trimmed with a chainsaw. In either case, a parent can easily exhaust his aresenal of cajoling, begging, and demanding with little or no effect, a deeply frustrating result in light of prevailing societal expectations. Dental authorities suggest that tooth and gum cleaning begin in infancy, and that Baby's teeth be flossed as soon as two teeth appear next to each other, although personally, I can't imagine any practical use for dental floss unless you use it to tie the child down while you brush his teeth.

Many parents, lacking the strength to carry on, have turned to a Higher Power for help. Adherents to this lifestyle claim miraculous results, noting that even very young children are able to grasp the essence of an unseen being more powerful than parents, a presence so strong that it has the ability to eclipse the toddler's snowballing ego. In accordance with tradition handed down over generations, this guiding force may be invoked through a simple ritual in which the parent takes a moment to clear away all negative thought before gazing lovingly and gently into the child's eyes and speaking the words, "Simon Says."

Celia Phate, president and sole member of NUTS (Nation Under the Teachings of Simon) claims that children as young as two days can benefit greatly from the knowledge that "Simon is at the controls of the universe," and that toddlers, especially, are quick to accept the benevolent messages embedded in simple commands, such as "Simon Says eat your corn."

Other experts are alarmed by the proliferation of Simon Says groups, and some have gone so far as to identify it as a cult. SimonWatch, a public advocacy group, provides guidelines to determine if your spouse or child is participating in a Simon Says cult: Has Simon Says taken control of your child's life, determining what to eat and wear, or when to sleep or bathe? Has Simon become authoritarian in his power structure? Is there an ethical double standard? Have you noticed that Simon never brushes his teeth or eats his corn, although he commands it of his followers? Does your child not question what "Simon Says?"

As usual, the Homedaddy Institute¾ discounts extremist reports on both sides of the issue, and recommends that you eat your own corn before browbeating your child. If you are disturbed by the information presented in this article, well ð Simon Says get a life.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.