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Father's Day Shmather's Day

Most of our holidays are based on war, religion, or politics. Father's Day, on the other hand, is basically a national effort to boost second-quarter retail sales.

Besides supporting the necktie and greeting card industries, Father's Day also provides Moms and kids the chance to offset some of the guilt accumulated by treating Dad like a doormat during the other 364 days of the year. For those fathers who are basically absent, emotionally or otherwise, the copious holiday propaganda serves to refresh the myth that, yes, they play crucial roles in providing a stable family unit and a loving, nurturing environment for little what's-his-name.

Father's Day is allegedly the single busiest day for long-distance telephone calls, which means that many adults feel obligated to phone their fathers on that pre-arranged special day. Then, after that brief call, about as spontaneous and heartfelt as a press conference, they're off the hook for a while.

This doesn't stop advertisers, TV programmers, and politicians from milking it for all its worth, publicly endorsing Father's Day as a symbol for the long-lost goodness of family life. Not to be outdone, the Sate of Oregon (motto: Bob Packwood's gone ð we promise!) even issued a proclamation in 1998, declaring June 21-28 to be Fatherhood Week.

The proclamation is full of serious words like "witnesseth" and "whereas," and it grapples with many hard-hitting facts such as: "Fathers play a unique role in the lives of our children," and "Healthy and socially developed children are vital to the interest and future of Oregon." Of course this was all just idle talk until the governor, "in witness whereof, hereunder set his hand and caused the great seal to be affixed," with the inevitable result that fathers all over Oregon are snapping to attention and remarking, "Hey, I'm feeling really mindful of the importance of my role in society!"

This Homedaddy¾ doesn't really need Father's Day, let alone Fatherhood Week. I get to be at home with Emma every day, which provides me with all the recognition I need. I'm already in charge of all the food, so if I craved a special meal, I'd already be preparing it a couple of times a week. And I do. Gifts are always nice, but I can't even guess when I'll wear a necktie next.

For the traditional dad who spends the majority of his time out of the house, a day lounging in the living room might be just the ticket. If, on the other hand, you already spend nearly all of your time in the house, you might prefer to go somewhere alone on your special day, which wouldn't exactly be in keeping with the spirit of things.

If I wanted to be King of the House, I'd teach Emma to call me "Your Majesty," to make crowns for me out of construction paper and glitter, and to taste all of my food before I put it to my lips. I could get the royal treatment every day ð and probably wind up as one of the dads who get their one call a year.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.