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Ask Homedaddy: Advice for Toddlers

Pop culture panders to parents while ignoring the actual needs of children; given the lack of resources for toddlers, it's not surprising they're behind the eight ball, clue-wise. With my "Ask Homedady" Forum, I make myself available as advocate, confidant, and advisor to the Chronologically Challenged.

Dear Homedaddy,
My parents have begun to exhibit some very disturbing behavior which appears to be inconsistent with their developmental level. Whenever we go out to a restaurant, they put me through this phony routine of asking me what I'd like to wear before ignoring me completely (I always make it abundantly clear that I prefer to be naked) and dressing me up in the same ridiculous outfit, a gift from some relative with all the fashion sense of a kleptomaniac in a thrift store. It makes me look like a Burger King employee, or maybe a batboy for the 1979 San Diego Padres, and the shirt has a neck-hole the size of a tennis ball, and let's just say that the moms in my play group don't call me "Melon-Head" for nothing. This process always degenerates into a brief scuffle, during which I feel well-justified in screaming like a howler monkey on speed. Needless to say, they get their way, and I have to go out in public in this little clown suit. Still, by the time we arrive I am my usual cheerful self, the the prospect of smearing something on this outfit having lifted my spirits considerably. But no, once everyone in the building has had a laugh at my expense, the parents introduce the one item possibly even uglier than the fast-food outfit ð the rubber bib with the hideous little animal designs. This thing is so ugly that it isn't worth spitting food on. With my evening so ruined, I am still expected to be witty and charming, and do things like recite "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider" for the benefit of some dim-bulb waitress whom we have never even met before.

Tacky and Tweaked in Tacoma

Dear T&T in T,
Remember that your parents are in a critical stage of development. They are now striving to become more independent by asserting themselves in meaningless struggles such as the ones you describe. Pick your battles carefully. By allowing them to dress you in the Burger King suit, you will bolster their sense of mastery over their immediate environment. Save your negotiating efforts for the things that really matter to you. When they throw a tantrum over some insignificant event, just cuddle them and calmly explain, "I am sorry that you are so upset by milk being poured down the heater vents, but we all know it is necessary." Protest is normal and healthy at their age, and does not warrant a great deal of response from you. Teach them that meltdowns and tantrums do not work.

With regard to "the phony routine of asking you what you'd like to wear before ignoring you completely," just remember that this is an election year, and your parents are likely projecting their own traumatic experience onto you.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.