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Ask Homedady: Butter, Clarified

Once again, we are pleased to present "Ask Homedaddy," America's leading advice column for rookie humans.

Dear Homedaddy,
I love butter. The only reason I eat my bread and vegetables is because my parents put butter on them. Although vegetables make a suitable butter delivery system, it's too bad that yummy butter flavor has to get polluted with peas, or corn or something. The other day I tried something new. I skipped the butter on everything for the entire meal, which seemed to make my parents happy. I thought they understood that I was saving it up for the end, but when I helped myself to a nice big mouthful from the butter dish, they went nuts. What's the big deal? They are the ones who got me hooked in the first place. What difference does it make how I eat the butter? I think my rights are being violated.

Signed,
Monty Kia
Age 3

Dear Monty,
In my role as absolute and final arbiter in all matters relating to children and parents, I make every attempt to get beyond the parental urge to insist on stubborn adherence to the so-called "rules." In most cases, I prefer to apply the guiding principles of common sense, empathy, and compassion to arrive at a solution that is sensitive to the needs of both parties.

This is not one of those cases.

Both the rules and common sense are stacked against you. I refer to Title 21 of the Childhood Code (Food and Mealtimes), Chapter 9 (Dinner table protocol), Subchapter III (Dressings, condiments, seasonings, and other ancillary foods), Paragraph D (Butter and/or Margarine):

"In addition to any amount of butter used on the food during the cooking process, each family member is also entitled to an additional designated teaspoon, or "pat" of butter, to be consumed with the food in any manner so desired, provided that the main course and vegetable components of the meal are consumed in a quantity which meets local parental standards."

The key phrase here is "with the food." Your efforts to hoard the butter allotment till the end of the meal can only result in your eating the butter "without" the food, which clearly puts you in violation. You have interpreted this rule to mean, in effect, that as long as you eat your peas, you are entitled to eat the butter that normally accompanies them, whether or not in the same bite. It is as if, by eating the peas without butter, you have accumulated a "butter credit" which you may then redeem at any time. This is strictly not so. Butter is provided on your vegetables as a courtesy. There is no accrual of butter when this courtesy is waived; it does not "roll over" to another meal, or even to another bite. It's gone, bubba.

Furthermore, misuse of butter is also covered in Appendix B: Prohibited Acts and Penalties, a direct interpretation of which clearly puts you in jeopardy of being denied your right to a dessert.

Besides being against the rules, it is disgusting. Knock it off. I hope this clears up any confusion.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.