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Ask Homedaddy: Standing Up For the Little Guy

Toddlers and their parents spend a great deal of time in a state of conflict over numerous aspects of everyday life. Due to philosophical and creative differences, these disagreements usually reach an impasse very quickly, with unfortunate results for both parties.

Parents, being larger and more experienced, usually emerge victorious. Children have little recourse except tantrums, which can only take them so far. Even a three-year-old refusing to brush his teeth knows that he could never get away with a shrug and the comment "Because those are the rules."

Our society being what it is, it can't be long before toddlers realize their limitations and get some legal representation. It is a huge market, ready for exploitation, and it could be the next big thing in the law profession.

Rich little kids will retain the high-priced firms that will send parents threatening letters written only with brand-new crayons, while working class kids will have to call one of the "tricycle chasers" who will saturate the airwaves during peak cartoon times with TV ads such as this one:

MUSIC: CREEPY, OFF-KEY TOY PIANO
WE SEE A SERIES OF STILL PHOTOS OF ANGRY PARENTS POINTING AT PLATES OF FOOD, UNHAPPY TYKES SITTING IN CORNERS, AND A CLOSE-UP OF AN ADULT HAND STASHING A PACKAGE OF COOKIES IN A HIGH CUPBOARD.
VOICE-OVER: Are you being bossed around by power-hungry parents? Are you forced to comply with senseless and arbitrary household rules? Are you sick and tired of hearing the phrase "Because I said so?" Don't wait for another timeout ð call the Toddler Rights Law Group! (CUT TO: SHIFTY LAWYER IN CHEAP SUIT STANDING IN FRONT OF MASSIVE OAK BOOKCASE FILLED WITH DR. SEUSS VOLUMES. HE TRIES TO PROJECT AN AIR OF SINCERITY AS HE SQUINTS TO READ CUE-CARDS)
LAWYER: I'm Dewey Bottoms of the Toddler Rights Law Group. Most toddlers lack the communication skills to negotiate for their rights. If your parents are making unreasonable demands, and if your tantrums are getting you nothing but timeouts, call the Toddler Rights Law Group. We handle all areas of Toddler Law. Bedtime hassles? We can negotiate for that extra couple of hours. We will fight to get you the bedtime you deserve, and we don't get paid unless you stay up! Are you being forced to eat yucky food at dinner? Is your dessert being unfairly withheld? We'll act immediately to get those disgusting canned green beans off your plate, and remember ... no fees till you eat dessert! We can also significantly reduce timeout durations for more serious offenses like pet injury, running into the street, or destruction of priceless family heirlooms. The Toddler Rights Law Group can handle the dirty work so you can get back to the important things in life, like forging a trusting, loving relationship with your parents. CUT TO: Black screen with phone number, logo (toddler silhouette with raised fist) and slogan, "Standing up for the little guy!"

Having seen the vast improvement to society in general brought about by the proliferation of attorneys and the rise of litigation, one can only imagine how the advent of Toddler Advocates will affect parenting. I can hardly wait.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.