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Ticket To Bribe

There is much disagreement among parents about the use of so-called "bribery" to encourage good behavior. Some parents have no problem whatsoever with the carrot-and-stick routine, especially when civilized appeals have fallen on deaf little ears. On the other hand, there are the Warm Ín Fuzzy types who feel that good behavior should be its own reward, and are morally offended at the thought of "bribing" a child, even with a single cheese puff.

For many people, the word "bribe" carries a bad connotation, invoking images of corrupt bureaucrats, while others see it simply as something of value offered or given in order to persuade.

In Latin this is known as "quid pro quo;" literally, "Something for something." This is a general phrase which applies to most of the world's commerce, with the exception of an offer to wash dishes in a seafood restaurant in exchange for a fried appetizer, which is known as "squid pro quo," or "calamari for something."

But I digress. One parent's reward is another parent's bribe. Whether the suggestion that your child might enjoy watching a cartoon after picking up her crayons is an innocent musing or an outright bribe depends largely on the spirit in which it is taken by the child.

If she takes the hint and picks up her crayons, you will look like the Sensitive Intellectual Millennium Superparent, but don't worry, because it'll never happen quite like that. Usually, you will be ignored, if not defied. The more you push the deal, the less pure it becomes, and when that beseeching, pleading tone creeps into your voice, it officially becomes a bribe.

If you must offer a bribe, it can not be negotiable. When you up the ante ("OK, a cartoon and half a cookie, but that's my final offer!"), the child sees that you are a pushover and will grind you for an even better deal. In toddler logic, the previous offer has become an established fact; the "raise" is now the only point of negotiation.

Attempts on your part to call the whole thing off at this point will only be construed as punishment, since in the child's mind, she is already in possession of the previous high offer. Retraction of the offer will spawn an entirely new dispute in which your character will suddenly be the central issue, and the sincerity of you love will be called into question. Regardless of the outcome, it is not likely that she will be picking up any crayons in the immediate future.

Rewards, bribes, whatever you want to call them, a little give-and-take is not only an necessary part of family life, it is an important part of your child's socialization. Just remember to stick to your original position, and do not allow your child to become adept at shifting the focus of away from the issue at hand by manipulating you with emotional appeals.

Unless, of course, you want to encourage a career in politics. In this case, you role is make sure that the task is completed after the goodie is accepted. In the words of Simon Cameron, "An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought."

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.