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Well, Baby...

What's the toughest part of having children? Sleeplessness? Clutter? Noise? Excrement? Maybe for some people. If I had to cast my vote now, I'd say it is the increased exposure to the health care system. Nothing against the doctors themselves; most pediatricians are perfectly lovely individuals during the four minutes actually spent in your presence. I'm talking about the overall experience.

Pediatric practices, sensitive to the fact that new parents don't know what planet they're on, let alone the correct time of day, are always careful to schedule appointments with a little bit of "cushion." An 11:30 AM appointment means that you'll be seen around 2:00, provided things are running smoothly. If there are delays, you may want to consider renting a nearby motel room till your number is called.

Parents who can tell time and who need less than two hours to sign in and produce a $10 copay are rewarded by being allowed to relax on bad furniture in a waiting room that is about as sterile as a landfill. Highly contagious children with no control over their bodily functions run amok while apathetic moms scan "fashion" magazines for the latest dirt on celebrity breakups. Every book, every toy, and in fact, every available surface in the room is smeared with a thin veneer of visible residue.

Stella is our second child, so we know the drill. We brought enough clothing, food, and reading material to bridge the gap between the Theoretical Appointment Time and the Actual Appointment Time. Stella, thankfully, has been healthy, so this was a so-called called a "well baby" checkup, meaning that it's time to test her immune system by exposing her to the waiting room. It's a quick appointment: weight, length, no spinal fluid leaking from the ears ð NEXT!

OK, that isn't true. The doctor did also ask about breastfeeding patterns, and, aware of my Homedaddy status, wanted to know whether we were beginning to introduce the bottle (we are). Then came the expertly-rendered Dramatic Pause and Raised Eyebrow, with the $64 Dollar ($3.54 covered by insurance) Question: "Experiencing any Nipple Confusion?"

I nearly leapt to my feet and yelled, "Hey man, that's personal!" before realizing that, 1. The doctor was a woman, and 2. It was a legitimate question. In case you didn't know, it refers to a newborn's difficulty breastfeeding after using artificial nipples.

Nipple Confusion. It sounds worse than it is. I probably wouldn't bring it up at all if not for the chance to say the word "nipple" repeatedly in a newspaper column. I wonder if an HMO would recognize Nipple Confusion as a legitimate psychiatric condition. Probably not, if it required any treatment, and probably so, if it could be considered a pre-existing condition. Could newborn Nipple Confusion have psychological impact later in life, and, if so, could it constitute a legal defense for sexual harassment?

"Your Honor, my client feels deep remorse for comments uttered in the break room regarding the plaintiff's breasts, but my client suffers from Post-Acute Nipple Confusion. We call to the stand my client's pediatricianð"

In the name of responsible journalism, I phoned my HMO three days ago to look into this. As of this writing, I'm still on hold.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.