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Teddy Bear Herd Management

Stuffed animals, especially teddy bears, tend to accumulate whenever and wherever people have children. Since total quarantine is usually impractical, most parents have no way of controlling this influx. If left unchecked, a teddy bear population can exceed reasonable limits of sustainability, and when a multiplying factor is present (the appearance of a second baby, for example), it is not uncommon for a simple teddy bear "collection" to develop into a full-blown herd.

Responsible teddy bear herd management is an essential skill for the modern Homedaddy. Especially during the early childhood years, when teddy bears accumulate most rapidly, an effective culling strategy must be employed in order to maintain the fragile ecosystem of the household. An oversized teddy bear herd is not only an eyesore, but also presents serious potential health risks.

The first documented cases of a mysterious degenerative brain disorder appeared in the 1990's, well after the Beanie Baby craze had become intractable. Symptoms included dotting the i's with smiley faces, using modified words like "L'il" and "Shoppe," and a craving for saccharine. Since the only common link among the patients was their obsession with teddy bears, the disease was called Textile Ursine Dementia, or Hallmark's Syndrome.

By now the spread of this disease has reached epidemic proportions, and the teddy bear link has been established beyond doubt. The brain-softening effects of Mad Teddy Disease, as it is now known, can be observed in graphic detail by visiting one of the hundreds of websites maintained by teddy bear enthusiasts. The most grisly examples include "I Luv Teddies," which claims to be the first official Canadian Internet Chapter of The Cherished Teddies Club; "Legends of the Faith Bears," featuring teddy bears named after people in the bible; and a page called "Lana's Warm ÍN Fuzzies." Although I did not personally visit this last site, I assume she is talking about her teddy bears.

As if this were not enough, there are other reasons to cull your teddy bear herd periodically. Excessive amounts of stuffed toys have been shown to diminish children's appreciation for simple gifts. Herds can easily outgrow available shelf space and spread across floors, where they become tripping hazards during late night drinking water excursions. A child's indecision over which bear to take to bed can last well into the night.

When making culling selections, a Homedaddy should adhere to certain practical guidelines. An invasive color such as hot pink or lime green is an indication of Mad Teddy infection, as is the existence of an embedded computer chip that causes the toy to sing or utter inane statements when inadvertently bumped.

A productive teddy bear should command your child's attention for at least two hours per month. A teddy bear which draws no interest from the child is known as a "lame" bear in the jargon of Teddy Bear Husbandry and Herd Management, and should be culled.

The holidays, birthdays, and relatives with poor taste may result in the need to cull 25 to 50 percent of the teddy bear herd each period. Culls can be donated to thrift stores, re-packaged as gifts, or euthanized according to local regulations.

If all else fails, you could probably ship them of to Lana's Warm Ín Fuzzies.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.