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Just when things seemed to be stabilizing in our household, here comes a gift for Emma from my sister, from Amazon.com, packed so carefully you'd think it was a live human organ. No such luck. It was a Barbieà doll. Not just any old Barbieà ð this one was impersonating Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

This was a bad omen. Emma was already focused on the Wizard of Oz with a fervor usually associated with television evangelists. This would be like fighting fire with kerosene.

My concerns had nothing to do with the usual complaints of Barbieà Bashers; that she brainwashes young girls with her unrealistic body image, that she conveys a negative message about what our culture perceives as healthy sexuality, and that she goes through careers the way other people go through paper towels. What's up with that, anyway? She must spend half of her life in job interviews. One of these days we might see "Job Interview BarbieÃ," replete with bogus resume, short skirt and low-cut blouse (sold separately). Well come on, how do you think she gets all those jobs?

Forget the standard objections. I am not afraid of Barbie'sà breasts. I am afraid of her lawyers.

Barbieà is Mattel's most profitable brand, worth something like $1.2 billion a year, and in case you didn't know, Mattel's lawyers have been racking up the billable hours going after anyone who threatens to "denigrate the brand." One avid collector, subjected to a lengthy legal battle after being busted for making a wisecrack in his publication, eventually signed an agreement stipulating that Barbie may only be portrayed in his catalog as "wholesome, friendly, accessible and kind, caring and protecting, cheerful, fun loving, talented and independent."

This worries me because I am a humorist. Unless I send my daughters to boarding school on Pluto, it's likely that the topic of Barbieà may crop up from time to time. I have been known to crack wise.

Still, there is something about Barbieà as Dorothy that just doesn't jive. I can't see Barbieà tolerating the same level of harrassment from the Wicked Witch of the West that Dorothy endures with such pluck. After the Witch's first threatening appearance in a cloud of toxic red smoke (can you say Munchkin class-action?), Barbie'sà lawyers would have initiated correspondence:

Dear Ms. Wicked Witch:
We have recently learned that you have threatened our client. This action unlawfully dilutes the BARBIE trademark in violation of Chapter 15 of the U.S.C, section 1125(c). We demand that you (i) engage in no further contact with our client, and (ii) refrain from inhibiting her progress to the Emerald City. If you do not take this action immediately, we will consider tossing a bucket of water on you to rectify the situation.
Very truly yours,
Huey Dewey
Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe
cc: Glinda the Good

As for me, let me state now, for the record, that Barbieà is the most wholesome, friendly, accessible and kind, caring and protecting, cheerful, fun loving, talented and independent bimbo replica I have ever had the pleasure to meet.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.