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Work it On Out

In response to my "Ask Homedaddy" feature for toddlers, I've received a flood of queries from newborns and infants. They seem to be a mighty confused lot, judging from their questions. Apparently, infant life can be be summed up by the concept, "What?" Fortunately, this disenfranchised group now has an advocate.

Dear Homedaddy,
When I was born, everyone was obsessed with my weight (seven lbs). My trim figure was the envy of one and all. Well, it must have been all that uterine swimming that did the trick, because during these eight weeks I've been on the Outside, I've gained, like, five pounds! At birth I was a lean, mean, labor-inducing machine, but now I look like the Michelin Man. Visitors to our home feel free to pinch the rolls of fat on my arms and legs. They don't even say excuse me, they just reach right in and help themselves. As if that weren't enough, they usually see fit to rub it in with a comment like "Oooh, look at that chubby baby!" I would never dream of making such a comment about one of their friends, a sentiment that should in no way be diminished by the fact that I cannot yet speak.

Even though all the adults are very pleased at my weight gain, I've noticed that they themselves are quite frightened of it. Why the double standard?

I used to be so skinny you wouldn't believe it. Back in my sixth week of embryonic development, when I was about as big as your thumb, my waistline was à get this à 1.5 inches! Calista Flockheart, eat your heart out!
Signed, Porky in Pocatello

Dear Porky,
Since you have no control over your diet, you should commit yourself to a serious exercise regimen. Here, for the first time in print, is the Top-Secret Hollywood Infant Workout ð the secret of the supermodel babies who grace the covers of parent magazines.

WARMUP - 10 minutes of low intensity exercises such as blinking, fist-clenching, and toe wiggling.

MUSCULAR STRENGTH - 20-minute sessions that include burping, gurgling, hiccupping, and facial contortions, and evacuation.

MUSCULAR ENDURANCE - 30-minute calisthenic sessions featuring random limb jerks, head-lifting, and diaper-change struggling.

CARDIORESPIRATORY ENDURANCE - 20-minute bouts of continuous hysterical crying provides excellent aerobic conditioning. If you cry long enough, your parents will eventually attempt to change your diaper. This provides a nice opportunity for some cross-training ð remember to struggle like a greased pig during the change.

FLEXIBILITY à 10 minutes of stretching exercises performed while a parent attempts to dress you. An ideal follow-up exercise to a nice long set of diaper-change struggling

COOL DOWN - 10 minutes of drooling while focusing the eyes on a distant point.

Do your parents a favor and keep them worked out too. A healthy parent is a happy one. The best exercise is a few hundred laps of the living room, performed in the middle of the night while jiggling a crying baby ð if you catch my drift. If you can maintain your crying at a nice high level, you can satisfy your own cardio requirements at the same time.

And don't forget to barf periodically. It's a great ab workout, and still considered to be traditional infant behavior.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.