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Party Animal

Having successfully pulled off Emma's third birthday last week, I now feel qualified to respond to the truckloads of mail I've received from parents and children alike seeking advice on parties and party etiquette.

Q: For my daughter's upcoming second birthday party, we plan to serve both cake and ice cream. When setting the table, should the plastic spoons be placed to the left of the forks, or vice versa?
A: Utensils should be placed on the table in the order in which they will be used. Since the utensil of choice at this gathering will be fingers, I think you may be dealing with a non-issue here.

Q: What is the proper etiquette for opening gifts at a child's birthday party?
A: Despite any of that new-age, feel-good, economy-strangling sentiment floating around out there these days, the cold hard fact remains: It's all about the goodies. Go with it, don't fight it. Party guests are essentially gift-delivery systems. Amass all gifts on a special table until the prearranged gift-opening time. Wait until after the cake feed; the sugar overdose will provide a tingle of excitement that is normally unattainable without expensive lighting effects.

Q: Should guest children be allowed to assist the birthday boy/girl in unwrapping gifts?
A: Yeah, right. All guests should remain at a safe distance while the birthday child is allowed to dive headlong into the pile of gifts. Hire security guards if necessary.

Q: What if a gift is a duplicate of something already received, or is otherwise unsatisfactory?
A: Toss it over your shoulder and proceed to the next one.

Q: What is appropriate attire for a three-year-old's birthday party?
A: You may only use white diapers after Memorial Day and before Labor Day. Likewise, open-toed shoes are only acceptable during summer months.

Q: Should my child's party have a theme?
A: Emphatically yes, according to the National Association of Children's Party Theme Planners. For a nominal (ridiculous) fee, you can hire a licensed party planner to remind you that the most popular themes include characters from current television shows and movies. These characters can be hired for less than the cost of a new car. For the budget-conscious, try the Hoof ÍN Mouth Pony Rides or the Drunken Magicians' Guild ("Behold, as I make the liquid in the glass disappearð").

Q: I want to do something really special for my three-year-old's birthday. I've been thinking of having a catered meal beyond the standard cake and ice cream fare. Any recommendations?
A: Look for a caterer who can offer elegant variations on classic toddler themes, such as goat cheese and leeks on cinnamon graham crackers, tuna fish on bruschetta with garlic infused olive oil, baby brioches with fresh organic peanut butter and huckleberry jelly, and smoked string cheese with goldfish crackers.

Q: How long should my child's party last?
A: It depends on the age and your budget, but the general rule of thumb is one hour, plus five seconds for each year of age beyond four. Make sure you schedule the cake and the gifts toward the very end of the proceedings, so that the many individual cases of sugar-crash and envy-rage can be handled by each guest's respective parents.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.