Home

About Homedaddy

Archives

Subscribe

Tell A Newspaper

Contact

Music

Publisher's Area

Goodbye Blue Monday

Beaten down by the endless drudgery of doing the family's laundry, and nostalgic for the long-lost joys of testosterone-addled excess, millions of Homedaddies across America have turned their creative attentions to one of the household's most mundane appliances: the washing machine.

Dissatisfied with the performance of their washers, men have been tinkering with the trusty old family Maytag, modifying the motors, enlarging the basket capacities, and customizing the exteriors with elaborate paint jobs. Although the practice of High-Performance Laundry remains virtually unknown outside of Homedaddy circles, it has now boasts organized clubs in all fifty states, complete with publications, shows, and ranked competitions. It has also spawned an underground industry of after-market parts and accessories for enthusiasts of all levels.

It all started twenty five years ago when Wayne Parnell, an aircraft mechanic and amateur hot rod buff-turned-Homedaddy, decided to fix his own washer one day rather than call a repairman.

"I was really missing my old hot rodding days, plus I was bored to tears doing all that laundry. When I opened up that old bucket o' bolts, and saw that piddly little motor and those rinky-tink partsð well, it was like a light went on in my head."

Wayne retrofitted his decrepit Whirlpool 150 with an old Dodge 225 cubic inch slant six engine that "was just layin' around," and the rest was history. He attracted the attention of all the neighborhood car guys, and even shook a couple of prehistoric Homedaddies out of the woodwork.

"I never fitted that first one with a proper exhaust system, and it was loud as all get-out," recalls Wayne. "Everyone on the block knew when I was doin' a load. It was hell on the lacy stuff," he recalls, "but it sure got the diapers clean."

Today, Wayne "The Stain" Parnell, as he is known, is President of the NPWA, the National Performance Washer Association. Most of his time is spent traveling the country doing speaking engagements, conducting seminars, and serving as an official for competitions. He thinks Performance Washing is a growth industry, and remains scornful of the fact that many manufacturers have begun to offer "high-end" models, featuring larger load handling, more wash options, and quieter operation.

"That stuff's for yuppies, wimps, housewives, and SUV drivers. You can't get real performance right out of the box. That's why our competitions have no stock category."

In accordance with NPWA guidelines, the stock-modified class consists of commercially available units which have undergone significant modification to the motor system. Washers in the top fuel class utilize a high-pressure injector system to introduce a calibrated mixture of water and detergent to the wash at specific intervals. The monster washer class consists of custom-built units capable of handling loads of over 500 pounds. These washers usually incorporate gaudy airbrushed paint jobs and have nicknames such as "The Agitator," and "The Front Loader."

Everything else falls into the freestyle category.

"In the past few years, especially in the Southwest, the freestyle trend has been toward the lowriders," explains Wayne. "These washers have been lowered, usually with hydraulic lifts on each foot so that the corners can be raised or lowered independently. The control knobs are often replaced with tiny chrome chain links. They are built for elegance, not for speed."

Even in the speed trials, Performance Washing is statistically very safe. The sport's only fatality occurred in 1998, when Phil Hamper, trailing badly in point totals, attempted to impress the judges by mixing his whites and colors in the same load.

"Some people," mutters Wayne The Stain, "just can't leave well enough alone."

send this column to a friend!
have a comment about this column?

© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.