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Laundry's Dark Side

Last week's column, a simple human interest story about mechanically inclined Homedaddies hotrodding their washing machines for organized competition, has blown the lid off a story so huge it makes Neil Armstrong's moonwalk about as newsworthy as an error in a Little League game. Or something like that.

At first, I thought I was the only one who had ever heard of High Performance Washing. After interviewing National Performance Washing Association President Wayne "The Stain" Parnell, I was amazed to learn of a nationally organized competitive network.

Turns out I didn't know the half of it.

According to new information, the integrity of the NPWA is being challenged by a proliferation of unregulated competitions. The no-rules atmosphere and large cash payouts have spawned a ruthless breed of outlaw washers who care nothing for emissions standards, safety issues, or proper care of fine fabrics.

"I didn't want to talk about this," sighs Wayne the Stain, " but now the cat's out of the bag. All of a sudden, these guys are bringing all the negative attention we've avoided through years of self-regulation."

While the NPWA's mechanical requirements for various categories provide built-in emission controls, the outlaw washers recognize no such boundaries. No engine is too big; no detergent is too harsh. Greed-driven participants are known to forgo standard soaps in favor of lye, acetone, trichloroethylene, and other industrial solvents. Ironically, as government regulators crack down, Wayne Parnell and the NPWA are the first to feel the heat.

"They bust a couple of these cowboys, and next thing you know they're coming after us. We have nothing to do with these guys," moans Parnell. "We get left to sort through new regulations while they disappear into the woodwork."

The latest round of legislation, calling for mandatory smog checks for competition washers, could spell the end for legitimate performance washing. Each entrant, regardless of category, must now purchase an upgrade kit consisting of an exhaust manifold feedback computer to control the air/fuel mixture and a three-way catalytic converter. As the cost of the upgrade, the additional paperwork, and the regulatory atmosphere are taking a heavy toll on NPWA members, it's business as usual for outlaw washers.

That business, according to law enforcement officials, has created a national epidemic of appliance theft and a proliferation of washing machine "chop shops," where stolen units are disassembled for their parts.

As recently as five years ago, washing machine theft was unheard of, but last year, according to authorities, it was the number one crime in seven states. Maytags and Hotpoints were the most popular brands among thieves, due to a motor drive shaft that can be easily modified to accept a four-bolt Chevy big block engine.

"This was something you rarely saw in the old days," explains Wayne the Stain. "Now and then, someone would trick out their old Maytag 500 series with a Chevy 427 or 454 and bring it out for show only, never to compete. Nowadays, these outlaw guys get Íem from the chop shop, modify Íem, and burn Íem up in one or two runs just to pocket a few grand. Then they're back with a different rig next week."

Even as he faces obsolescence, if not extinction, Wayne the Stain takes a philosophical view.

"You gotta wonder," he muses, "if it ever would have come to this if the women were in charge of it."

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.