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Conspiracy Theories

"Ask Homedaddy," a semi-regular feature of this column, provides an open forum for the questions and concerns of babies and toddlers, otherwise known as the "chronologically challenged." I usually answer with some sage advice or thoughtless sarcasm, but I think I'll let this letter stand on its own.

Dear Homedaddy,
I am writing this letter to you because I have heard that you are one of the only true advocates for young children in the mainstream media. I have information of crucial importance to all kids, and I am counting on you to help me get the message out.

I am three years old, and I have begun to notice some strange things about parental behavior; not just my parents, but all parents. They seem to be promoting some sort of secret agenda with all the bizarre and apparently random things they make us kids do. Eat your vegetables. Why? What's it to them? Are they partners in a dark alliance with the international broccoli cartel?

And what is this obsession with the observation of a brutally consistent bedtime? Where is it written that pajamas must be put on at 7:30? I have a friend at daycare who is into numerology, and he points out that 7:30 PM is 19:30 in military time, and that if you add up those numbers, you get the number 13, which in turn yields 4. His assertion that this represents the four Teletubbies of the Apocalypse is consistent with his own theory of an Armageddon conspiracy between parents and children's television industry.

OK, so maybe he's a crackpot, but I'm just saying, there's something fishy going on here.

My attempts to get accurate information from my own parents have met with one obstacle after another. I can tell when my line of questioning is approaching a sensitive area because they will eventually say "Because I say so," as if they were invoking national security.

I can sense that they know much more than they are telling me. It's clear, from the way they look at each other with raised eyebrows before answering a tricky question, and it is positively blatant when they resort to communicating in code by spelling certain key words in my presence.

They try to maintain a facade of fairness and family unity, but in fact I know that they serve on a parental Bilateral Commission that holds secret meetings after my bedtime in order to set the family agenda. Their denials of such collusion amount to nothing more than a cover-up. I have personally seen photographs of them together from years ago ð even from before I was born! This chain of events is not arbitrary. They've been planning the whole thing!

But why? Who gains? I figure it this way: Let's say I eat well, brush my teeth, and get enough sleep. When I get a bit older and they start to give me household chores, their evil plan begins to reveal itself. I'll proceed through school, and, if I've been properly conditioned to respond properly to authority, I'll do well, go to college, and then get a job. And then what? I'll be handling their dirty business of running the world, while they sit on the couch and watch all the good cartoons.

Wake up, children of America! You are being harvested as worker drones!

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.