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Ask Homedaddy: High Chair Etiquette

Judging from the mail I receive, it seems that most tykes are confused about proper table manners. Young children desperately want to present an elegant social veneer, to exude grace and elegance, and to wield the utensils correctly and effectively. This week I will address some of the most frequently asked questions of high chair etiquette.

Posture
When placed in your high chair, always thrust your rear end forward and try to force your entire body out through the leg openings. Continue in this manner until a parent wedges you in place with a bath towel. Slumping forward should be avoided, since forehead contact with hot food can be unpleasant. Yes, you'll want to get as much food into your hair as possible, but there are more elegant ways to do this.

Soup
Due to its highly unstable form, soup presents a thrilling prospect. Indeed, the very concept of a liquid served in a non-spill-proof vessel is enough to set oneÍs heart racing. Anticipation and build-up are essential for a sophisticated dining experience, so resist the temptation to immediately fling it over the edge. Pick up your spoon and study it. Let your parents enjoy the momentary fantasy that you will actually eat the soup with it. Carefully dip the spoon into the soup as if preparing a bite. When your parents are on the verge of bursting with pride, use the spoon to transfer all your weight to the rim of the bowl, causing it to tip suddenly and jettison the entire contents.

Hot Cereal
A note for the beginners: When being fed, do not swallow the food after it has been put into your mouth. Use your tongue to eject it onto your chin, and repeat this maneuver each time it is returned to your mouth by an adult. This accomplishes several things: First, the process will cool the cereal; second, the agitation of the food will give it added loft and fluffiness; and third, grain cereal is an excellent skin tonerð just the ticket for those pesky rug burns on your chin.

Finger Food
A general rule: Use fingers for any food served with utensils, and demand utensils for anything that arrives by itself. Pancakes with syrup, oatmeal, stew, and mashed potatoes with gravy are all excellent finger foods. Pretzels, graham crackers, potato chips, and grapes should be eaten with a barbecue fork and a butcher's knife. When using fingers, work as much food as possible into your hair. A natural hair conditioner, healthy food is also essential for proper brain development. Massage it thoroughly into your scalp and let it sit for at least two days to achieve maximum absorption.

Utensils
Many young children hold the mistaken belief that utensils are for eating the food, when in fact, they are to be used as percussion mallets. It is a child's duty to provide soothing musical entertainment during mealtimes. In a formal setting you may be confused by the vast array of utensils, but it's really quite simple. Notice that they are laid out from smallest to largest. Start at the outside, with the smallest piece, which makes the least noise. Bang it on the table until an adult takes it away from you, and then proceed to the next one. Thus, the largest, heaviest piece is reserved for the grand finale, and your musical presentation will have proper dynamic development. Moving to a larger, louder utensil before the smaller one is wrestled from your grip is insulting to your host and will expose your lack of proper breeding.

Bon appetit!

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.