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Libraries and Loansharks

For reasons too numerous to list, it's important to read to your children. Still, in this day and age, even the brainiest little tyke needs to unwind now and then with a good video. But beware: video rental is a habit that can get out of control.

We were so compulsively late returning videos that our local rental store had our phone number taped to the cash register. With the money we coughed up in late fees, we could have bought the store.

Taking stock of my resources, I made a fantastic discovery: The library also has videos! Totally free, just like the books. True, they seldom carry the latest releases, but let's face it, before a certain age, your children will not know the difference. They have plenty of good material. Trust me, you will not have to convince your three-year-old that a documentary on The Bushmen of the Kalahari is a sing-along.

For a while, we went crazy checking out videos. Of course, a side benefit of getting videos from the library is the fact that there are also books on the premises. It gives you more to do, and makes for a more well-rounded and lengthy outing, which is important if your bread-winning spouse works from a home office and needs everyone to get lost for a while.

Besides, it makes you look like a superior parent. After all, which sounds better, to say you spent the morning with your kids at the video store, or at the library?

However, as with all good things, there's a downside. It turns out that library videos also must be returned. This is no big deal if you are even remotely able to keep your house picked up, but for me it has been a major problem. Half the time I can't even find my car keys, let alone the videos. Even when I can find them, I can't remember the due date. It has been suggested that I could look at the little card on the video box that indicates the return date, but come on. Who do you think I am, Superman?

And guess what else? The library charges late fees. While they do not accrue at the same loanshark's rate as the rental store, I have discovered that, given a few months, it really adds up. In the past year I have single-handedly subsidized a re-model at our local branch.

If this keeps up, I won't be able to pay and I'll eventually have my library card revoked. I'll have to start borrowing books and videos from family and friends, and if my ability to return the materials doesn't improve, I'll be cut off. Eighty-sixed. And what then? Emma's need to be alternately intellectually stimulated and mindlessly entertained shows no signs of slowing, and Stella is just getting started. Another brain to feed.

I'll have no choice but to go to a children's literature loanshark... one of those tough old fallen librarians who hang around the library parking lot, drinking Earl Grey tea out of brown paper bags and preying upon desperate parents with nowhere else to turn. Sure, she'll have a great selection, but there will be no grace periods or late fees. Fail just once to return the items, and she'll show up at the doorð bifocals on a rhinestone chain, wool cardigan with a poodle embroidered on it, and maybe even an enameled brooch of a cluster of cherries.

"I remember you from the second grade," she'll sneer. "You always were trouble!"

O.K., I have an idea. Maybe tomorrow I'll return our library items. And I'll see if they have The Bushmen of the Kalahari.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.