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The Hunchback of The Nursery

Everywhere I go, I hear someone prattle and whine incessantly about what hard work it is being a full-time parent. That person is me. I'm not talking about the dedication, the patience, and the loss of sleep. I'm talking about my chronically aching back.

Unless I control it with exercise and stretching, it stays moderately sore all the time. Then, once every two or three years, I get a spasm attack so severe I have to spend a few days on the floor, on the very spot where I hit the deck. Over the years, my x-rays, scans, and various examinations have all been negative, which means that I am, in medical terminology, a "malingerer." It's sort of a cross between a wimp and a fraud.

Stella is nearly six months old, and now that she is bulking up quite nicely, I am reminded that my last severe spinal outage (known in the local folklore as The Mother of All Back Spasms) occurred approxiamately three years ago, when Emma was about this age.

Babies in this age range, from about four to eight months, are the classic backbreakers, having struck the worst possible balance between weight and body control. It is not uncommon for one of these little brutes to have achieved the full weight of toddlerhood, while retaining the structural stability of a sack of jello.

At the younger end of this spectrum, a baby has no muscle control at all, and is highly succeptible to gravity. Holding a squirming four-month-old is like trying to hold a twenty-pound water balloon. It feels as though the child is literally changing shape, the better to pour through your arms.

As the months go by and the baby reaches a stage where she can actually sit up under her own power, she becomes an even trickier prospect. A newfound interest in the world, aided by improvements in muscle tone, inspire her to twist and turn in your arms, constantly angling for a better look.

A baby at this age will frequently and spontaneously lunge backwards away from your body. This requires the parent to adopt a constant bent-backwards posture, hips thrust forward and shoulders leaning back, as if dancing the limbo. Moving about in this way while attempting common activities, such as washing dishes or picking up abandoned toys, puts tremendous strain on the lower back.

Taking advantage of newly-acquired neck strength, most babies will also develop a charming little head-butt maneuver. Whether it's a response to being held too close, or just another way of saying "I love you," it's a gesture which will always get your full attention after that first fat lip. Now, in addition to the All-Day Limbo, you must also bob and weave like a boxer, jerking your head from side to side and backwards at the slightest hint of a baby forehead strike.

There are various sling-like devices on the market which enable to the parent to "wear" the baby while keeping the hands free. Although I heartily endorse these products, I'd also point out that they have limitations, especially in the kitchen. Important safety tip: Do not attempt to cook stir-fry while wearing your baby strapped to your chest in a sling. OK, Ínuff said.

Prevention is the answer to chronic low-grade back pain. The best exercise is sitting on the couch with the feet up while watching a baseball game. Apply a chilled beverage, twenty minutes on, ten minutes off.

Unfortunately, this course of therapy is not always appropriate to the Homedaddy lifestyle, so I have to resort to Plan B, which involves a decent assortment of limbo music.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.