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Strictly Business

Someday, when I am a rich and famous humorist, my publisher will send me off to exotic lands on all-expenses-paid junkets for the sole purpose of cracking jokes about the whole thing.

But for the time being, I am still my own boss. If I have a great idea for some columns about taking the whole family on a three-week spin around the New York-Boston area, it's up to me to bankroll the expedition. I have to keep a careful and accurate accounting, and eventually try to deduct everything including cocktails on the plane (necessary medical expense).

The Feds are very strict about separating business from pleasure. If I'm not writing about it and selling the column, it might not be considered business. I guess that puts a little pressure on my sister in Boston and our friends in Providence, Long Island, and Philadelphia to supply some entertaining moments. I'd hate to write a column about how we all sat around fanning ourselves and saying things like "I gotta tell ya, it ain't the heat, it's the humidity."

The IRS is also not very lenient on the matter of deducting travel expenses for family members or other non-essential participants. I can see why that might apply if I had a normal job like a telemarketer or a mall-Santa, but I write about family experiences. Publishing columns about a family trip without dragging along the entire tribe would surely constitute fraud.

Besides, I don't plan to be extravagant. I'd love to fly first class, but I would guess that it might be deemed excessive. Not that I'm a cheapskate (I am). It's just that flying coach provides enhanced humor opportunities. The greater the discomfort, the greater the comic potential.

And then there's the there weeks of minivan rental, which will cost about as much as a liver transplant. Deduction! Cha-ching! The principles of journalistic integrity demand that I get down there in the trenches and file first hand reports. It's not just an adventure. It's a job.

Lest I seem flippant about all this deduction stuff, let me assure you that I will consult a professional tax expert and take great care to comply with the law. Readers are discouraged from interpreting any of this column as valid information. In fact, anyone foolish enough to take tax advice from me should have his head examined by a small appliance repairman.

I'll stick to my current area of expertise, which involves changing diapers and inducing naps for a 7-month-old, and explaining the mysteries of the universe to a three-year-old. This upcoming vacation has already provided ample opportunity for geography lessons. We even went to the Auto Club office today to stock up on maps of the eastern states, which I will not deduct; since I cannot, in good conscience, claim they are absolutely essential to my work and which were, incidentally, free.

Emma and I studied the maps and it seemed she was getting a good grasp of the fundamentals of cartography. Then she suddenly changed gears, as three-year-olds will do, and solemnly asked me if I knew the difference between a boy and a girl. As it turns out, I do, but I gave her the floor anyway.

"A boy has a penis, and a girl has a China."

Even as I am saddled with the daunting prospect of clarifying these matters of geography and anatomy, I perceive the need for a fully deductible family business trip to the Far East.

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.