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Siblings Who Love Too Much

If you're going to be a professional Homedaddy, you must keep abreast of current parenting literature. It isn't necessary to read everything, but you do need to stay fresh, even if it means absent-mindedly thumbing through the "family" magazines (read: "women's" magazines) in the checkout line while your offspring investigates a hunch that the candy rack can support her entire weight (it can't).

It was in this fashion that I discovered, lodged among the recipes for bundt cake, holiday decor tips, and kegel exercises, that I stumbled across an article by T. Berry Brazelton. MD, entitled "How To Raise a Caring Child."

For those of you without young children or with no access whatsoever to mainstream media, I will note that Dr. Brazelton is nothing less than the new Dr. Spock. No, he's more than that. He's a superstar. He's the Michael Jordan, the Brittany Spearsð the Harry Potter, if you will, of the Early Childhood Development racket.

The title of the article caught my eye. It is the question on many a parent's lips: How, indeed, do I raise a caring child, especially when I personally don't give a rat's keister about much of anything?

Fortunately, for readers of this particular rag, The Man delivers the goods. Here is The Answer; are you ready, are you sitting down? I quote:

"The best way to teach compassion is to practice it."

Most parents already know, even if the knowledge is wedged somewhere back in some ancient, dusty brain-fold, that it always helps if you get your own act together first. But no one reads popular magazines just to get lectured. We want a quick fix, a scientific breakthrough. All across America, parents are throwing the magazine down in disgust, saying," What, you mean I have to be involved? Bummer."

Still, I couldn't completely disregard the article. The need for caring and compassion figures prominently in the realm of newly-developing sibling relationships, such as we have going on in our house.

It's a tough gig, being an older sibling. It's like being the Queen and suddenly discovering that your underlings have hatched a takeover plot, and that you have been offered a job in the new administration as a custodian.

Although we have gone to a lot of trouble to "model" extreme amounts of compassion and caring to Emma, there is no denying that the arrival of little Stella has now made her acutely aware of the difference between time and quality time. Those of us who were not great atheletes in school know the difference between being on the team and being actually in the game. Unfortunately, the only game anyone in this house wants to play is a little one-on-one with Mommy.

Poor Emma, one day she has the All-Areas-Access Backstage Pass, and the next day she couldn't scalp a ticket with a pocket full of Franklins. A certain amount of resentment is natural, but the devil's in the details, as they say. Just how will it manifest?

Having been extensively modeled-to, or modeled-at, or whatever, Emma realizes that outright aggression is not productive. Perhaps because of the modeled behavior, or maybe by her own deduction, she has begun to love Stella too aggressively.

That is to say, she'll hug Stella to near-asphyxiation, or, she'll be so happy to see her baby sister that she'll run up and "accidentally" bowl her over. In any case the predictable result is that Stella gets hurt and receives maximum parental attention and the cycle begins anew.

So the question becomes: Do we educate Emma by modeling compassion for Stella when she gets hurt; do we show compassion for Emma for the resentment she feels; or do we go back to the supermarket next month to see what Dr. Brazelton has to say?

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© Todd Pinsky 1998-2002. All rights reserved.