The Homedaddy® Archives
... yep, it's not only copyrighted, it's trademarked.

From Halloween 1998 till July 2002, "Homedaddy" was a syndicated newspaper column. Read 'em and weep... with laughter, preferably. At the bottom of each piece is a feature which allows you to send it to your friends. It is hoped that the credit and copyright notice are included. PLEASE NOTE: No permission is granted for commercial distribution, duplication, or publication. Thanks for your cooperation.

Newborn Tips 10/27/1998
Now that I know everything about birthin' babies...

Wives Tales 11/11/1998
Fear of illness can make you sick.

Bjorn In The USA 11/25/1998 -- My fancy imported baby carrier has a serious design flaw.

Legends of the Workplace 12/09/1998
Now that I quit my job, there are a few things I'd like to get of my chest.

S'not For Everyone 01/28/1999
An infant with a bad cold is a pathetic creature.

The 4-Second Window 02/03/1999
Never underestimate an infant's ability to create danger.

Sleeping Like a Baby 02/17/1999
Homedaddy's entire reality revolves around nap time.

Breakfast In Short Order 03/03/1999
Get in there and rattle those pots and pans.

Cleanliness Is Next To Impossible 03/10/1999
Housework rears its ugly head.

Travels With Baby 03/17/1999
To the airlines, your bundle of joy is just another piece of carry-on luggage.

The Old Bawl Game 03/30/1999
Umpiring a Little League game is hard enough without being heckled by a hungry infant.

Childcare ... The C-word 04/15/1999
Even the toughest Homedaddy needs a little backup.

A Very Good Year 04/26/1999
What, she's already a year old?

Guide To Mothers Day 05/12/1999
Being a Homedaddy doesn't excuse you from having to grovel on Mothers Day.

Teething 05/18/1999
Just what every baby needs... another reason to start crying.

An In-Tents Weekend 05/27/1999
The only thing loonier than having a baby is taking her camping.

A Game of Cat and Mouse 06/02/1999
Real kitties are sweet and cuddly and fluffy and violent.

Curious George Revisited 06/09/1999
Some of the classics of children's literature are really warped.

Approval Ratings 06/16/1999
Homedaddy vows to rally after slipping in the polls.

Fathers Day Raincheck 06/24/1999
Never mind the necktie, just gimme the day off.

Tell It Like It Seems 06/30/1999
Lies, innuendo, heresay, and spin control.

Notes From the Sleep-Deprived 07/07/1999
I live for coffee.

Stay Cool 07/22/1999
Do what you gotta do to keep comfortable on planes.

Nine Lives 07/28/1999
The early demise and gutsy comeback of a showbiz legend.

Baby's First Word 08/04/1999
Don't get too excited. There's plenty more where that came from.

Crayons Happen 08/11/1999
Don't feed crayons to the dog. Just don't.

Laundry Blues 08/18/1999
No wonder women have hated it all these years.

Nail-Biter 08/25/1999
Your baby does not want a manicure.

All Toddlers Are Hippies 09/01/1999
If you have to attend a kiddie sing-along, find one that rocks.

Go Fly a Kite 09/08/1999
A suicide mission to the Toy Store so powerful that I dare not utter its name for fear of litigation.

Discipline is a Piece of Cake 09/15/1999
Once sweets are introduced, it's a slippery slope.

Go With The Flow 09/20/1999
Ask any expert: Fake nipples run a distant second to the real McCoy.

Spare the Crib, Spoil the Child? 09/29/1999
Whatever it takes, just get Íem to sleep.

Shopping With Baby 10/06/1999
Taking a baby into a supermarket is like taking her to Over-consumption Boot Camp.

Funny Business 10/13/1999
An infantile sense of humor is a terrible thing to waste.

Two Faces of Homedaddy 10/14/1999
You always hurt the one you love. Or so it seems.

Halloween For Beginners 10/27/1999
You'll only be able to choose costumes for them for a couple of years. Knock yourself out.

Night On The Town 11/03/1999
Taking Little Ones to a restaurant is more work than staying home and cooking.

The Goldfish Standard 11/10/1999
Homedaddy ponders the Y2K issue.

Homedaddy Quiz 11/16/1999
So you think you got what it takes?

Death and Teletubbies 12/08/1999
Life is stranger than fiction. Death is even stranger yet.

Ask Homedaddy -- The Readers Speak Out 12/15/1999
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

Holiday Video Review 12/23/1999
Double shot of syrup with a saccharine chaser, please.

Baby Shower 12/28/1999
Grabbing a quick shower has never been so complicated.

Dress For Success 01/05/2000
Your child's taste in clothing is not a reflection on you. OK, maybe it is.

Salt By The Ton 01/11/2000
Early verbal communication is fraught with peril.

Chasing the Sandman 01/19/2000
How much can I gripe about lack of sleep? Try me.

Tackling the Terrible Twos 01/27/2000
Ride it out, just ride it out.

Selling the Dream 02/03/2000
Telling a good bedtime story is like making a critical sales pitch.

Tantrums and Stress 02/09/2000
It isn't fair. The kid gets to rage at will, and you have to learn deep breathing.

Meals and Deals 02/16/2000
Toddlers are brutal negotiators.

Normal in a Crazy World 02/24/2000
Some people take responsibility for their child's mood. Others just drug 'em up.

Photographic Memory 03/01/2000
Where's that blasted camera when I need it?

The Amazing Technicolor Dreambag 03/09/2000
The ultimate Homedaddy accessory.

Cooking Up Excuses 03/15/2000
I'll do anything to avoid housework.

Life of the Potty 03/22/2000
An investigative peek at the sleazy potty-training industry.

Standing Up To Martha 03/29/2000
Who does she think she is, anyway?

Yes, But Is It Art 04/05/2000
I can summarize my attitude about children's art in three words: Don't eat paint

Ride 'Em, Homedaddy 04/12/2000
When there are enough Homedaddies, childcare will become a spectator sport.

When They Don't Win It's a Shame 04/19/2000
Why being a parent is like being a baseball umpire.

Stickers and Other Bribes 04/26/2000
Little kids consider stickers to be holy objects; don't ask me why.

The Price Of High Fashion 05/03/2000
I'm glad someone's buying retail. It keeps the thrift store stocked.

Barf, Bears, and Boulders 05/10/2000
Yosemite is a great place, but these bears ain't no Winnie the Pooh.

Simon Says 05/17/2000
Sometimes you must ask for help from a Higher Power.

Little White Lies 05/24/2000
Face it, lying is an American way of life.

Share The Rod and Soil the Child 05/31/2000
Sharing toys does not come naturally. For good reason

Mosquito Networking 06/06/2000
Mosquitoes suck.

In The Land Of The Giants 06/13/2000
Another epic trip to the ballpark.

Father's Day Shmather's Day 06/21/2000
Yeah, yeah, I know I'm great. So what?

Nice Day For Something 06/28/2000
I'd rather be lucky than good.

Mr. Todd's Wild Ride 07/05/2000
She'll never be the same after that first trip to the amusement park.

Lost Dogs and Dialogues 07/12/2000
What our dog lacks in brains he makes up for in heft.

Bedtime, The Beginning of the End 07/19/2000
Just getting them to bed requires an extensive game plan.

A Child's Garden of Curses 07/26/2000
What happens when children's literature has an unexpected effect.

My Sippy Cup Runneth Over 08/02/2000
Customize your sippy cup for optimum performance.

Time And Punishment 08/09/2000
Discipline on the temporal plane.

Interview With The Dinosaur 08/16/2000
Barney's days are numbered. Hopefully.

Ask Homedaddy: Advice for Toddlers 08/23/2000
The first advice column for the chronologically challenged.

Ask Homedaddy: Imaginary Playmates 08/30/2000
What to do about parents' disturbing behavior.

Dog Days of Bachelorhood 09/07/2000
Life was so absurd without them, it was almost like having them here.

Baby, Take Two 09/14/2000
Start freaking out early over sibling rivalry.

My Hero Has Feet of Clay 09/21/2000
Gumby Rules!

Ask Homedady: Butter, Clarified 09/27/2000
More rules of engagement at the dinner table.

New Skills, The Hard Way 09/28/2000
Mental development comes at a price.

Ask Homedaddy: Standing Up For the Little Guy 10/11/2000
Toddlers enter the Litigation Age.

Ask Homedaddy: Hurry Up and Wait 10/18/2000
More advice for toddlers with mixed-up parents.

Ticket To Bribe 10/25/2000
It's not a bribe, it's a contribution to your child's happiness.

Rock of Ages 11/1/002000
No way around it, I am turning into an old fart.

Expect the Unexpected 11/08/2000
Accidents can happen. Sometimes being prepared isn't enough.

Ask Homedaddy: Eeny Meeny Miny Moe 11/15/2000
Decisions, decisions...a revolutionary process has limitations.

Why Ask Why? 11/22/2000
Eventually, you need a better answer than "Because I said so."

If I Only Had A Brain 11/29/2000
For the record: I hate Babaar.

Time Flies When You're In Denial

OK it's true, we're having a second child.

On The Brink 12/20/2000
Stand by, she's ready to blow any minute!

Welcome, Stella 12/27/2000
Our new daughter makes her debut.

Slumber Party 01/03/2001
Back to square one for sleeping arrangements.

Second Time's a Charm 01/08/2001
Once you already have child, is it easy to add another one? Duh ...

Well, Baby... 01/16/2001
A trip to the pediatrician is enough to make you sick.

Walk on the Retail Side 01/23/2001
Face it, if these people were any smarter, they wouldn't be working in this department store.

Teddy Bear Herd Management 01/27/2001
Responsible culling practices for successful stuffed animal husbandry.

No Place Like Home 02/05/2001
You better smile when you talk about Barbie®... just not too much.

Work it On Out 02/12/2001
The toddler work-out regimen.

On The Road Again 02/22/2001
Poop happens.

You Snooze You Lose 02/27/2001
Nothing strikes fear into Homedaady's heart like the prospect of giving up naps.

Back To Basics 03/15/2001
Enveloped by the Newborn Love Cloud.

You Come Here Often? 03/22/2001
A cuddly newborn is the greatest pickup tool ever.

Party Animal 03/29/2001
Party etiquette for the three-and-under crowd

Royalty Is A Bitch 04/05/2001
What's so great about getting bruised by a single dried pea under twenty mattresses?

Take a Bite Out of Fear 04/12/2001
Just because the dentist has a box of little prizes doesn't mean he won't stick you in the gums with something sharp.

Human Highlight Reel 04/23/2001
Homedaddy's heroics go unrewarded. Just another day on the job.

Goodbye Blue Monday 04/26/2001
Hot-rodded washing machines is the latest craze among America's Homedaddies.

Laundry's Dark Side 05/07/2001
Homedaddy uncovers the dark side of competetive Performance Washing.

Conspiracy Theories 05/14/2001
Brainwashing our children to become productive members of society.

Make-Believe Rag 05/21/2001
Help your children learn to manipulate reality for personal gain.

Ask Homedaddy: High Chair Etiquette 05/28/2001
Social protocol for the three-and-under crowd.

Quiet Time Is Quality Time 06/04/2001
I am not giving up on Nap Time without a fight.

The Really Tough Questions 06/11/2001
Just because you know a lot of words doesn't mean you know what's going on.

Libraries and Loansharks 06/18/2001
The library is a Homedaddy's safe haven. Just don't wear it out.

The Hunchback of The Nursery 06/25/2001
Back injuries are genetic. You get them from your children.

Road Tripping 06/28/2001
I'm too old for these all-nighters.

Dat Ole Disney Magic 07/16/2001
Your weapons are useless.

Strictly Business 07/23/2001
We're taking a long trip; I write about my family so it's all tax deductable, right?

Lost In The Sauce 08/01/2001
You leave town for a few weeks and everything goes to hell.

Homeward Bound 08/10/2001
Now I need a vacation from our vacation.

Ask Homedaddy à Career Change 08/18/2001
A newborn interloper threatens older sibling's job security.

Family Team Building 08/25/2001
Homedaddy looks to the corporate world for morale-boosting techniques.

Better Than A Poke In The Eye With A Sharp Stick 08/30/2001
Eye surgery on babies is really OK, if you just don't think about it too hard.

Dark Day Behind, Dark Days Ahead 09/15/2001
Terrorists blow up the World Trade Center while my children listen to Raffi in the next room.

Stanger in a Strange Land 09/30/2001
Muzak, terror, and little girls' underwear.

The Cat's Meow 10/10/2001
At least she isn't asking for a pony. Yet.

Down in the Mouth 10/21/2001
All the world's an oral stage.

Siblings Who Love Too Much 11/07/2001
You might not always hurt the one you love, but you can try.

The Vasectomy 12/11/2001
I'll resort to anything to get a cople of days off.

Pediatrician Expedition 01/15/2002
You could die of old age in the waiting room.

The Return of Homedaddy 07/08/2002
I wasn't loafing. I was brainstorming.

Just Jump Right In 07/16/2002
Another busy week in the news.

Corndog Gets Battered 07/23/2002
A feline adventure with a cast of thousands. Dollars, that is.