Ask Homedaddy: Eeny Meeny Miny Moe

Welcome once again to "Ask Homedaddy,' where the pre-preschool set airs its dirty laundry.

Dear Homedaddy,
Infancy was the pits. My parents decided what would happen every minute of the day. When to eat, what to wear, where to go, when to sleep, who to kiss. The worst part was when they'd pretend to ask my opinion, knowing full well that it would be many moons before I could say much besides "guh." Oh, they thought they were so cute, pretending to ask my approval in that singsong pidgin baby talk, as they held up that furry Robitussin-colored jumpsuit festooned with teddy bears playing backgammon, or some other hand-me-down horrorshow. My futile squawks of protest would only result in another unnecessary diaper-check. I vowed to lay low until I got a few words under my belt and could make some choices of my own. Someday, I thought, I'll be calling the shots.
OK, now cut to the present tense, age three. I can walk, I can run, and yes, I can talk. And yes, my parents let me make choices for myself; in fact, they insist on it. That's exactly the problem. For some reason, I can't seem to make up my mind about anything these days. I can't decide which pants I want to wear or what books I want to read; being asked if I want Fig Newton or a graham cracker can put me in a state of mental gridlock that can be relaxed only by two hours of catatonic staring at page eleven of "The Pokey Little Puppy." You know that old Chinese proverb, "Be careful what you wish for because you might get it?" Story of my life. As an infant, lying in my crib, ensconced in that horrible jumpsuit, craving the freedom of choice, I never imagined that things could get worse. I spent my infancy dreaming of choices, and now I am imprisoned by them.
Recently there's been some buzz in my playgroup about a revolutionary process called "Eeny Meeny Miney Moe." I hear that it leads to a correct choice every time, and that it rhymes to boot. Some of the kids swear by it, but others reject it as developmental voodoo. Please help me make up my mind!
Overwhelmed in Omaha


Dear Overwhelmed,
You seem pretty angry, which is understandable, given that jumpsuit business. The "Eeny Meeny Miney Moe" SystemÃ, although scientifically unproven, has provided excellent results for several generations of children. Just be advised that the process itself is antiquated and imprecise, which means that undesirable outcomes may be open to endless appeal by parents, friends, or even by you. In order for it to be effective, you must be prepared, as an act of faith, to accept the result as final and binding. An "Eeny Meeny Miney Moe" recount will only result in further delay and confusion. For this reason, I suggest that you use the "Eeny Meeny" Systemà only for small, inconsequential decisions. Because of the potential for mechanical inaccuracy, "Eeny Meeny Miney Moe" is not suitable for larger decisions, as a group of children in Palm Beach County has recently discovered.

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